let's tell a tale

2007-10-02T21:30:00.000+08:00

its been too long. the hols have flown by and so has half of this sem. having experienced the hardest most taxing period when D&D neared. it was a hell of a time, with countless sleepless nights and crazy days running around everywhere. having to shoulder all responsibilities cos, eventually it was i who would have to answer should anything go wrong.

this sem. well, it has been a surprisingly pleasant experience so far. i do miss having more lessons sometimes though. as weird as it may sound, yes, im serious about that.

ive been a happy girl lately. :) its been a long while since and the feeling is awesome. the ability to trust without having 2nd thoughts.
but it's always a case of having expectations. too high ones. and that has to change i guess. it just brings insecurity with it, and also with not having enough confidence in myself. maybe reassuarance is all it takes.

but i'm loving it all right now! :) and sadly, the exams are nearing.

need time for my personal life, but im missing my friends. the drift, the gap has kinda grown. just gotta put in the effort babe!!

may not update this often anymore. evidently.
cos its time to leave this all behind me. what got this started ended a long time ago. :)

im so tired, my shoulders so stiff!! i need a massage........

guten abend!

2007-05-31T18:54:00.000+08:00

its been 2 months since the last post. ive just lost the urge to blog anymore, really. getting used to handling things on my own and trying to solve the many many problems. although now, yes, ive been having too much free time. exams came and went. was spending a lot of time with him during the exams. deferred my attachment to nov-dec period, which has left me with a lot of free time on hand.

too much free time to let my mind go crazy. he was away in hk for work. what was meant to be 4 days turned into 3 weeks and now his friends from sweden are over. so ive yet to meet him again.

made so any mistakes lately, its getting me upset. argh. so many things going on in my mind. i wish i was all oyung again without such things to worry about. worry comes with age. bah.

i want the week to past fast!!!

im really random and incoherent. well, i dont care now.

2007-03-30T22:31:00.000+08:00

warning- angsty post ahead.

just these 24 hours have seemed like forever. another accounting proj that loomed and lingered, and yet there was a whole lot of shit to deal with.

and now, i have yoko yoko in my eye. fuckk.

what makes me fall makes me even stronger. but before yu can take that step and put it behind and take it as a learning lesson, theres always that low. it makes me so jaded right now. for a place ive put a considerable amount of time into. its just time to take a step back alr. just a few people matter. i cant expect more. with everyone else, im not gonna be bothered about what yu guys say anymore. i do what i want. go fucking judge for all i care. come to conclusions without knowing everything, and im just gonna become immune to all these.

i guess i gave in to another moment of weakness as i like to call it. but i guess with a friend whom yu just treat as a friend, yu do what friends do, talk to each other sometimes. be there for each other and if this isnt your view of it, then what friendship is there? fuck yu. i aint gonna miss-nice-girl anymore.

so bsc's over and theres just 215 and 214 left. arghh.

im so drained. ive had not much sleep in 2 days and i feel like just sleeping for 2 days straight. no photos for now. im tired.

and im freaking broke. boo.

2007-03-14T03:58:00.000+08:00

so, its been a long hell of a week. the worst week of the sem so far had passed. and i can take a short breather for now. last week, with pbl and the tv commercial assignment due, it was hell. no sleep since monday night all the way till friday. i cant believe i survived on barely a total of 4-5 hours of sleep out of 96 hours. im amazing, or so i feel. but i felt slightly disoriented too. sorry troy, couldnt meet yu on wed. and so, we still havent met up since sidney's party when we were supposed to meet the week after. hehh. but well, there was ih thank you dinner on thurs as well. dont have much to say about that man. and filming the commercial was tough. although the scenes were simple, it was so hard trying to think of a concept for the ice wine. and then there was the editting part. fitting the different scenes together, cutting out unwanted parts, and making it fit within 30 secs. thanks joyce, bear, grace and sandy for helping me act. :) and pbl was due as well. and i must say im quite proud of that. a group project for which i did almost 70% on my own. and it was all excel, computation, formula shit. woohoo. thurs was grace's 21st as well. and we celebrated on wed night first. the day i broke down from the whole shit of stress. sorry friends for taking it our on yu guys.

to complete her celebration, we went to the zoo zoo zoo. :) got the pics alr, but ill upload another time. i was glad to go there. last destination to replace memories with other ones. and it felt good. :) finally. everything gone. a tinge of sadness, but its for the better. brought food along and had our picnic there. as usual, i was amazed by the orang utans there. really. the baby orang utan was soooooo cute. i couldnt take my eyes off him for a good 15mins. hehh. friday saw me losing 30 bucks in mahjong to sarah ng. who came over to hall to play with my other hall mates, after our dinner at pre-rouge. its always nice catching up with her. cos we have a lot to talk about.

sat, was spent sleeping in the day since sarah only left in the morn. and i had to rush home. and out in 10 mins. it must be record breaking for me to get dressed so fast. hehh. and off to meet shaun to buy some balls for the bbq at yihao's. nice, small gathering. and i forgot to take photos with loo, jw, yihao and shaun with my polaroid. boo. benny was really funny that night. made me laugh till my facial muscles hurt so bad. and yes, sat was alvins bday all the way at changi. im sorry i ccouldnt be there, but i guess i was left in a position to make a choice between the gathering at yihao's or to go to alvin's party. im not the kind of girl who's fleeting and likes shuttling between places, so i made a choice. and im sorry friends for not turning up. but i figured, being in my situation i would have had more fun at yihao's with the nbs people. and i hope yu guys understand why.

sun, was off to sarah's 21st at her house. and it was really nice of alvyn to drop me back to hall, where we had a super long chat at the porch. not only bitching ya, but serious talk. which i never though i could have with alvyn. hahha. yuve changed dude. and likewise, so have i. no more emo emo. hahah.

then the week started, and its back to projects and presentations again. channel research presentation is tmr. and im still up. oh well, i do hope i get up. sat is gonna be mags and yas's birthday party. :) cant wait to meet the netballers then. :)

term break wasnt very good. feeling so suffocated being in hall already. and dealing with the things i found out. but i guess, its come to make me realise how much ive changed in these past 6 months. growing more independent, like before, way way before. being myself. cos nowadays i cant give 2 fucks if people wanna judge me anymore based on what i do. standing up for myself, and dealing with my own shit myself. :) it makes me happy being who i am. thank god we didnt get stuck in that rut almost 2 years back. thank you. but its a pity, it had to be you. but yes, im more cynical now. dont know if its a bad thing actually. cos i feel liberated nowadays. life feels good. the air smells fresher. hahha. :)

oh oh oh, i forgot to mention my bro's and his gf's 19th birthday at her house. it was fantastic. as much as i thought i wouldnt enjoy it, i went for my bro. and i enjoyed it. maybe cos i got high. so i became friendly. hehh. and talked to his friends who mostly told me they thought i was really fierce last time when they used to come to the house. and they're not wrong! hahha. i am really unfriendly. but ya, i wish i had photos of that night to upload, sadly i dont. if i do get my hands on them, i def will. cos the tent was awesome. the general deco was great. :)

now, for some rest i desperately need. its been a long long post of updates. this year is the year of the 21st's, but this month takes the title for the month of 21st's. i dont think i cant make it to everyones birthday considering its all on the weekends. and shuttling two and fro, isnt what i like to do at all. well well, another update for photos soon.

i wanna cook pancakes and eattttttttt. boo. nights!

2007-02-28T17:24:00.000+08:00

photos photos photos!!

chengs 21st at pasir ris on 25th feb.

5 of us and her presents we gave her. sandy me grace chengs joyce.

my hair after it was sprayed. the theme was punk rock so we tried our best to be punk-y. with the all black outfits, some with black stockings. and chengs got hair spray for us to spray our hair.

photo time when most of her friends left. joyce.me.grace.

acting au naturale. hehh. 2 taking photos and one smoking. thats how natural. hehh.

us acting as 5 out of the 7 dwarfs. me as dopey(dont ask me what im doing, i dont know myself), chengs as happy, grace as sneezy, sandy as sleepy, joyce as grumpy.

happy happy us! :)

no idea what this pose is supposed to be but i quite like it. :)

we ran out of poses?? hahah..

grab joyce's ass!!!!!!

this has got to be the cutest picture ever. :)

our surprise for her in hall on mon, rather tues at 12mid night. the real date of her bday. pancakes with choc ice cream and bananas and sparklers to top it all off. happy birthday my bimbotic friend. :) lovelove.

pj's party cum drinking session when sam came back! on the 15th of feb. everyone present had to wear either one of those quirky pjs from our childhood days, or basically sth stupid.

the girls in our pj's/ got mine from joyce. me.joyce.sam.grace.

and some of the guys! bear. alvin. ong. i think ong looks the cutest la. with the trunks over the shorts, completing the look with the goggles.

we tried burning a can full of compressed gun powder that was obtained from many boxes of sparklers and pounded into a can and sealed, just to see some mini pyrotechniques. much to our dismay though. it didnt shoot up high enough. but it sure did creat a whole cloud of thick smoke that got me so scared should it trigger the fire alarm and get us into trouble. ok la, im damn humji.

acting stupid again. whats new eh.

edwin having to wear graces bra in order to join in the party. hehh. and some of the stash we had there. absolut red ruby. smirnoff red. jack daniels. beer. and i cant remember what else.

and a normal photo of the 4 of us.

its been really fun with these guys. and having joyce as my neighbour. and drinking with ong, though he's left already. and just having fun whenever we come together. which reminds me, i have to complain!!! i lost almost 50bucks in gambling. by playing in between only!!! and we played small. one dollar kind. bah. my luck really sucks to the max. im supposed to refrain from in between and stick to blackjack and poker.

now, back to pbl after a whole day's lesson on grooming and what to wear for interviews and to work when i grad, how interesting. and for 7hrs!! i survuved. another day to go.

sleepyyyyyyy.

2007-02-26T06:24:00.000+08:00

you live for the moment. but how is it possible to leave every single thing in the past behind. to mistakes made. the lessons learnt. the whirlwind of emotions. they somehow just hit you from time to time, and theres this emotional unbalance that arises, which you try to stabilise, and successfully for that matter. but there's always the second or third time and more, that it will hit. and what you've learnt, is to be ready and know what to do when it does. life aint as simple as you wanted or thought it to be in the end. eventually, it was you who took that innocence away from it. many thanks for that.

dear friend, to you, here's my advice. in my view, it never takes another one to get over that particular someone. take it from me. with feelings so strong and years so long, i chose this path, to learn from things, be able to bulid myself into a stronger person. it may be the harder path, and takes courage, but it's the path that will allow you to deal. to overcome. to conquer. because if you take that other path, one day when things fall apart, you will be back at square one. and the cycle will follow. and you know this whole thing about taking the other path, it helps in more that just this area. it helps with life in general. no more bleak outlook, no more depressing feelings. and the bonus is that the feelings get to stay, with life going on the right way. and more room in the head and heart. :) i hope you can have that too, friend.

im not very happy now. but its all thanks to my own doings. bah. just one more year. and hopefully it'll be all over. hang in there sadaf.

from tmr, pbl and tvc assignment, here i come. :(

i wanna hate, but i cant. but thank you anyways.
good bye.

2007-02-11T01:55:00.000+08:00

when you try to pursue a friendship, purely a friendship, and it is deemed otherwise. when you hope for something,and the hope is slammed right to the ground. when you make a kind gesture, and it ain't appreciated. when you just want a listening ear, and you get none. when you're just being nice, or rather you just wanna be nice, YOU don't see it. thanks for nothing, really.

so today was spent helping grace at her flea market. im so so so tired. the heat got to my head quite bad. gonna sleep the whole day away tmr. but i have to get serious about my work soon. and soon means tmr! crap. accounting 2 test on thurs, and i know jack shit about the module. alrights. bed time.

s- maybe you dont know anything about my life now, cos you dont bother, and youre too caught up with your blissful life. a friend i thought i could turn to. seems like i was wrong.

i miss the simplicity of life.

2007-02-10T03:54:00.000+08:00

went for a haircut. or rather a trim today. wanted to maintain the length, but the lady snipped off like 5 inches of my hair. boo hoo. its still quite nice, although some people are saying i look like a kid now. but ya, its still nice. but but but i wanted to keep really long hair. bah. so thats another 8 months of staying away from the hair salons.

chinatown trip with a busload of hall mates proved to be a wrong choice. was rather bored. the only time i had fun was taking pics with everyone. ill upload them when i have the time.

been really tired. helping grace with her flea market stuff today again. and tmrs just gonna be a long long day, so i should tuck myself into bed soon.

it was once a happy alone.

2007-02-06T01:37:00.000+08:00

no ones perfect. but imperfections do not always mean a person is flawed and always has to be judged. some actions are motivated by reasons that others may not see or understand. and thats actually granted knowing everyones different with their varied perceptions and values. and yet, objectivity would be welcomed sometimes.

i know im judged by many people. i know im 'bitched about' by a lot of people, for what i do or dont do. but dont yu see it, apart from these things look at who i am as a whole. oh what the heck, as long as the friends around me dont judge. yu just come to know that the rest, whom yu may call your friends, arent really your friends. they're 'friends of convenience' as id like to call them.

this aint targeted at anyone, really. im just moody. bah.

some reflections from the past few days.

and a conversation today with betty, has made me take a different view on things. giving some things a chance. giving religion a another look. to understand everything else better. faith. im looking for a stronger faith. something that just doesnt come from believing in god. it takes more than that to have faith. tmr will be the start of re-discovering that. :) im gonna read!!!

my glass is almost empty

2007-02-04T01:33:00.000+08:00

forgot to post up some pics after being rushed by my bro and sis to go walk to dog. bah. so here it is. :)

31st jan when the girls came over to my house and we walked saber all the way from my house to east coast beach. chengs, sandy, me, grace, the dog, joyce. pretty pretty happy family-ish pic. :)

sandy grace me and saber! by some jetty.

joyce.grace.chengs. love having joyce as my new neighbour. it would have been perfect if grace was rooming next to us. and of course we're missing chengs now who is all the way at 16. yure missed bitch! :)

3 of us. (when yu were still with us that is.)

IH Netball Finals!! :)

the team! back row- me,mojo,shiqi,charmain,xinyi,jietling-better known as my sri lankan maid :), yizhen. front row-jean,jac,pohpoh,wanlin

another team photo where the freshies insisted on buttoning up te jerseys fully and acting like serious nerds, which i couldnt do cos i wasnt in the same jersey. hahh. boy, i sure was glad i wasnt wearing the same jersey. saves me the embarrassment. hehh. :)

what was meant to be a freshie photo, and theyre manager-me, just had to stick her head in. hehh. so here's the freshies of the team. wanlin, xinyi, yizhen,shiqi, charmain.

some teammates plus yi min and our dear graduated senior hongying who just loves hall 7 so much she comes back for everything she can. :)

the fantastic shooter, charmain and her 'coach'-me. :) heh. for every day that i called you down to practice shooting, it all paid off babe! :)

Post netball finals impromptu drinking session at 38 stone table.

had a really impromptu drinking session to celebrate thewin. so we just brought down whatever drinks we had and got chun, our dearest sports sec to take the trouble of buying us our mixers and ice, stating our win as a good enough reason for him to bother doing that for us. :) and a drinking session with the mojo bunch of seniors and freshies would mean the seniors have an aim of getting the freshies drunk.hehh. worked for wanlin's case. and yi min who was pretty high. and shiqi who got rashes the next day. and charmain, who had to hand in an assignment at 830 was pretty giddy. hehh. as for the seniors, if im not wrong we were all fine. :) so now, firstly, presenting, wanlin's puke! hahha. i just had to take a pic of it. im sorry, im just disgusting. hehh

side view.

aerial view. hehh

roomie joined in the drinking session as well.

mojo.sandy.pohpoh.jietling. the seniors will be missed in hall next year!!

old man marky loo who was allowed to join in our all girls drinking session with an admission fee of chips and mixers.heh. :)

one pic for the unlocked door!whee!!! hahha..and only we know what the joke is huh. :)

okay im finally done!!

now im tired. and i know exactly the only thing that bothers me now. a particular friend. i hope yu know who yu are. yuve been distancing yourself away from us more and more. staying in a world of your own. if thats what yu want, then its fine by the rest of us. but its funny that yu can take no effort to join in anything we do. life just doesnt rotate around you and another person. there's more to it. the friends ard yu. begin appreciating them or yu'll lose them all. i hope yu get it. i care thats why i say. but eventually it gets tiring to talk to yu about it face to face anymore. thats why i dont bother.

alrights my neck hurts from using the com too much. nights world!

2007-02-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

long over-due photos!!

but well, before that,ive been happy with myself and how im taking things in my stride. for the prgress ive made. baby steps, baby steps. but one day ill get there, soon. :)

and yes, went to the night market at extension on tues. bought a disney monopoly set and lots of candy floss. happy happy girl! :) the little things in life that bring me happiness.

okay photo time now.

toast day, a very long time ago. with hong ying.

me.hongying.and 1/3 of sandy. :)

now with more of sandy in the pic.

christmas dinner at 36 lounge. our own cooking of aglio olio, prawns, black pepper chicken, mushroom in soy sauce and calamari. :)

our table layout, with spaklers in the middle!

with sparklers lighted! :)

new years eve, outside src, while waiting for hy to buy umbrellas cos i refused to get wet at all. :) helping sandy to repair her shoe.

playing with sparklers somewhere near the padang. cos we were so bored waiting, and to help get rid of the tiredness.

sandy, me, pohpoh at timbre after countdown. great music.

pohpoh and me. when sandy was alr feeling the effects of one mug of shandy. hehh.

zouk on 3rd jan. joyce. me. chengs. grace.

me and kuang.

kuang.chengs.me

alrights. thats all for now. going to walk my doggy now!!

2007-01-30T04:06:00.000+08:00

yu just got to deal with things one at a time. not looking too far ahead. that brings about unexpected stumbling blocks that could have been dealt with, but now its just too late. so yu just deal with the extra pain/hurt/sadness, whatever yu wanna call it. it'll become a cycle in the end. so stop it from repeating itself.

its been a long tiring day. 11hrs of sch. im surprised ive survived. somehow i feel acomplished, but fucking tired. and yet, here i am, when there's marcom presentation tmr and marketing channels presentation the following day. ill treat myself at the end of the week for a good academic week, which rarely happens. but i hope it'll be a weekly thing. :) though im still thinking what ill be treating myself to. heh. ive no idea!! heh.

being in hall for long, spending almost everyday here, life has shaped itself to be accustomed to whats around me. getting used to the people, the environment. and i come to decisions about what i want in my life. and it just takes some stepping out of here to get me questioning on these decisions. have i become too enclosed? or am i just fickle? can i really stand up for what i want? will others thoughts about it influence me? am i scared of being judged? i dont know right now. instbility. soon to pass, hopefully.

-im missing home. and i sent a msg to my mum telling her i missed her bad. and she conveniently didnt reply me. boo. dont get used to life without me mummy!!

praying the presentation will go fine although its only 4-fucking-% of the final grade. bah. which i just found out today.

it's all but a show, no? hide what's true within. yet, eventually, is that even what's true?

2007-01-26T23:44:00.000+08:00

im back..after a long long while. just been pretty sick lately. recovering a bit, then falling awfully sick again. and the cycle just goes on. seriously irritating. wed was the extreme sickness period. i felt so faint my mum had to cab all the way down here to pick me up and bring me home just for a few hours after which my ass had to be dragged back to hall for netball training which started at 10 plus pm and ended after midnight. well, it was worth it in the end cos we thrashed hall 6 30-12 in the finals, emerging netball champs once again for dont know how many consecutive years alr. it was a great feeling. satisfying. but doesnt make up for the bad play of all the other sports. oh well, ih's over for me. but ill still be there cheering the guys on in the remaining guys games. soccer, softball, rugby, polo- if they even play. hehh.. yup.. lets aim to clinch the golds for the rest! :)

so my illness has left me missing the whole weeks lessons. well, will make it up with proper work for the rest of the sem. been drinking quite a bit lately with ong, and then last night was with the netballers to celebrate our win. :) i want my bols!!! love it. i could just drink the whole bottle. heh. okay maybe not. but ya.

been a tiring 2 weeks. trying to deal with so many things/people. and yu just gotta do it yourself which makes it more tiring. sigh. but things are looking up now. talking to certain people actually makes me happy and keeps me going. and im glad for that for now.

im sorry friends. those ive been ignoring totally this week. its not that im pissed or anything. i just needed some time to myself. to deal everthing in hall. just too tired to handle everything else. welcome to the real world sadaf! hahh.

well, so many photos to upload but lazy sadaf wants to have a early night tonight. so that'll be done another day! :)

nights!

oh have i mentioned how much i love goong. i was hooked to it during my sick week. hahh. im glad im done wit it. so i wont keep awake into the wee hours anymore. wheeee. :)

okay nights!!

2007-01-13T01:34:00.000+08:00

im a thorn.

it was weird today. didnt say much, lost the appetite, lost the mood. and amazed at the inconsideration of some people whom im supposed to call my friends, or maybe they were just my classmates.

i feared taking that step to the party, for if i saw them happy, or just saw her, itd make me feel awkward. yet, i went. and she wasnt there. some said he said it was for political reasons, and we all know what that is. i was surprised, that at least there was some consideration into not making me feel awkward, but yet, i was sad. for if i knew my presence would prevent her being there at his party, prevent the person he loved most from being there, i wouldnt have gone. cos ultimately, she makes him happy and should be there to share it, and thats whats important. im sorry for being there.

read somewhere on a friends blog about this thing called love. and how we've come to measure love in the ability to provide, in every sense, financially, emotionally, physically. i find this so true when i reflect on people,friends,whoever, asking me why i love him so much. and every time i said i cant explain it. i never measured it in terms of what he provides me. and im glad in a way. and yet, it makes it so much harder.

but as usual, life goes on. theres a life away from the people who remind me of the past (im sorry friends, if yu are a part of that). a life im satisfied with. cos theres a goal now. something that was hindered back then. well, off to bed.

me-get well soon

yu- happy birthday

2007-01-01T20:14:00.000+08:00

its the new year. this year will go by these few words kindly contributed by vane.

'im going to learn to love myself cos im special.' :)

2006 wasnt the best of years, but ive had my share of fun. ive enjoyed my time spent with friends in hall and the rg netballers. it saw me get into the ivp team, which im thankful for. it saw me partying quite a bit, which i enjoyed totally with the netballers. slacking the whole year through and not going for lessons, and i just dont learn every year. 2006 brought an improvement in my gpa, esp for this sem that just passed. this im really happy about. yet, it saw me lose quite a bit of control over myself, but my friends stuck by me through it all. :)

2007 will be a year of being happy. making the right decisions. thinking about myself. we'll see how much of this will be accomplished in the end. :)

come to think of it, once this year ends, ill be garduating soon. scary thought. seems like i aint prepared yet. let this year change some things in my life. :)

last night was watching the fireworks and then to timbre for some great music. i just wished i wasnt so tired. the girls were over for lunch yesterday as well, chengs, joyce, grace, sandy. and we brought saber, my dog for a walk at east coast beach. had some nice fun with them :) photos up later when i get them.

going back to watching some tv!

2006-12-25T02:33:00.000+08:00

woke up not too long ago. and its christmas already. well then, merry christmas everyone!

i guess yu are really happy. :) that matters.

2006-12-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

some photos since im dead bored and cant sleep yet.

arab street visit!

in a quaint little shop at the arab street area. it had all the old, vintage things, from toys to food to an old school barber shop chair and equipment. it even has a vintage vespa in the garden area.

the 3 of us in the garden-ish area.

being the 'barber', and using the old-school hair dryer on grace.

one sat at MOS. girls night out. :)

love the photos joyce and grace took. :)

wanna post more but stupid bloggers going cranky on me. and my sis just invited me for a game of monopoly. its been a while since i played that game so why not! byebye boredom! :)

2006-12-23T21:29:00.000+08:00

another 2 matches down. netball match was won with ease, even with non-shooters playing shooters. played hall 11 if im not wrong. this morning was bball. against hall 12 again. and we kicked their ass right this time. our rightful win. gave them a thrashing. gonna meet hall 6 in the quarters though. tough road ahead. watching the guys match was really heart stopping. won 15 by a mere point, with the game advantage shifting back and forth between the teams. it was a do-or-die match for them as well, and they did it. :)

the hand hurts pretty bad though. and there's hockey on tues. which means ill have to go back to hall on christmas day itself. for now, its a well deserved break. i need it so bad.

and now i remember my intention of blogging- our candle light dinner in hall among the 4 of us. the menu planned was aglio olio, prawns, black pepper chicken, mushroom in soy sauce, calamari and desert. initially turkey slices were on the menu, but we just couldnt find turkey slices. and we got down to cooking in the 36 pantry tough i didnt do much. fatigue got to me so bad yest, i was pumping myself with red bull, 100 plus and smokes to keep myself awake. dinner was literally candle-lit. grace decorated the table in the tv lounge with candles from her room and we ate in candle-light and with sparklers sparkling away in the centre of the table. even amidst the fatigue, i enjoyed myself a lot. many photos were taken. but i have yet to receive them so photos another day, if i ever have the energy to upload them.

for now, its some well deserved rest for the next 2 days. am not looking forward to even going out at all. i just want sleep. and im just not one of those who enjoys christmas anyways.

no more bad dreams please. they leave a lingering, disturbing feeling.

2006-12-22T04:26:00.000+08:00

got a match at 8 am. and im unable to get to sleep. its irritating to have things bothering yu, on your mind at the wrong time. i see myself not sleeping tonight. have run out of red bull. wonder what will keep me going tmr. its netball match in the morn. contract bridge for a while. basketball training in the afternoon. support soccer if i can in the evening. and christmas dinner with the girls at night. hah. im so gonna die. ill def need red bull!!

leon and zhen hao just came up to my room. they turned my gloomy night around. :) thanks friends. always there at the right time even when yu dont know it. :) im a happy girl now. so maybe ill be able to sleep. and not dream the same disturbing dream again.

just dont think so much.

2006-12-20T02:22:00.000+08:00

in the midst of ih now. few games have already been played. lost the 1st bball match to 12. won 10. meeting 12 again on sat where we're gonna kick their ass big time. for softball, won 10. lost to 12. gonna kick their ass again shld we meet them. cos we're the deserving winners for both. we've got a better team. netball's starting on fri. hockey's on thurs. and im really really tired already. its been trainings and trainings and games every single day. beginning to not understand why im putting in such effort when it takes a whole team effort and people dont even bother. look at our pitching. look at our attack for bball. its a shame. look at hockey training attendance. wtf. seriously. its just passion i guess. but i cant go on much longer. im burnt out. tired. mentally and physically.

keeping busy all day works. it gets yu away from everything, but the moment yu enter the room, into this world of your own, it catches up with yu no matter what. and yu just have to deal with. face it. maybe after all, what yu feel isnt the right feeling. we all make mistakes. this may be a misjudgement. get it in your head.

i miss my friends. grace, chengs.

just wanna get away from hall for a while. escape. have some different kind of fun. mag and zhen, come back soon. wish meng was around this hols.

im hungryyyyyy. if only i didnt have to go down to cook char mee.

if i wrote yu a symphony, just to say how much yu mean to me.

2006-12-08T04:54:00.000+08:00

everybody's changing, i dont know why, and i dont feel the same

its just me being me. maybe its just great that i can keep myself busy with the countless ih trainings once again. yu just get too tired for everything else. too tired to even think much. well hopefully. and sometimes i just wanna be taken away.

there's a conflict within me i have to fight off.

yure happy, then im happy. :)

2006-12-03T04:16:00.000+08:00

just back from a late night show/supper with leon,zh,leslie,vane and joanna. brainless would be an understatement for tenacious d. gosh. beyond brainless. but funny. its been ages since ive gone to catch a show. very much unlike last time when it was a weekly affair. then it was supper at geylang, which made it very much convenient to get home. its gonna be a looooong day tmr and i dont know what im doing up now. meeting sand in the morn to go for the IT fair to get my harddisk and speakers. then its to zhens bday. will be going back to sa for a friendly with the juniors after that. then rush back home i guess to pack and go back hall before coming out to meet yihao to chill. yup. =) sounds like a good busy plan. much unlike the past 2 days since ive been home and boring myself to death so i can please my parents just by being 'around'.

home's been unfamiliar. didnt look forward to moving unlike the last time. the areas good, convenient in a sense. everything's pretty much nearby except the damn mrt station. but its just diff. and i find less things to be able to do. so i stoned most of the time, and thought about dnd stuff. and went for a jog with my dog! heh. which felt good. but even tv is becoming so boring. give me more greys and heroes.

so i did sth stupid(everyone would so agree its stupid) on wed night after mambo and getting really high till i puked outside zouk majorly. but i didnt embarrass myself like the last time. :) but yes, it was an emo drunk thing and i just gave in to a MOMENT of weakness. i didnt wake up feeling anything i said i felt but i regretted cos i prob didnt mean half the things i said. but yes, it happened this way and i cant undo it. live with it. :)

so many things to do this hols. now theres even isg netball to settle considering so many of the ivp netballers are not even going to play. oh sigh. and i need that netball pole!! urgh. and the balls! oh well, theres tmr to settle all that.

i feel like a really lucky girl to have so many close friends around, and i count my blessing for that. for the lack of some stuff, i have this. and im grateful. :) thanks friends.

now for some rest.

- yu can fly so high, keep your gaze upon the sky,
ill be praying every step along the way
even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be far apart,
i love yu too much to make yu stay, baby, fly away-

malcolm asked her why he wasnt touched by what was said. all she could do was laugh. cos she knows its not him to think of things that way. she knows him too well. the frustruation. the irritation. she saw that coming, she said. but she just had to be that selfish bitch just for one day. but she knew she was wrong. for the time that she kept quiet wasnt justified by that one moment. a part of her did hope he'll be touched, she said. but that was all she wanted. maybe a bit of appreciation. but not getting any didnt upset her. and all she had to do was wake up the next day and go on with the life she knows now. she told me, she owes no one an explanation, or justification of her actions and feelings. to no one, but herself. shes leading her life for herself.

the story continues.

2006-11-29T00:58:00.000+08:00

so the exams are over!!!! boy, am i estatic. whats great is that it ended well. for once. prob the best sem in terms of how the papers went. no distractions. no problems. no emo-ing. but no ones ended yett. at least none of my friend in hall have ended yet so im stuck having nothing whatsoever to do. just watching shows. greys anatomy, desperate housewives, oc, prison break, heroes, csi. yu name it, im up-to-date with it. not much to do yet, but with next week comes all ih trainings, dnd meetings, dnd stuff to settle. i like being busy. i wanna be busy.

time to check up on companies for attachment as well. gotta choose the right ones.

its mambo time tmr! after how freaking longggg. cant wait. and im missing all my friends. gonna meet up with betty cos shes back! but the rest aint coming back! meng, if yu see this, im missing yu!!!!! and levina too, yure not coming back again!!!!

sometimes, i think its time to catch up with old friends, friends i havent been in contact with for soooo long. the 401 girls esp. dawn tan, dawn lim, ng yun, shi yuet, minli,shanshan,yiwen, yijun, liling, ah ma. i do miss their company. but i see myself being all busy again this hols. oh wells, maybe one day i shall have call them out! :) if yu girls do see this, i do miss all of yu. :)

so now, its back to my story book. and getting some good rest.

2006-11-22T20:42:00.000+08:00

im dying from stupid AB213, research methods!!!! hate the statistics, figuring out when to reject the null hypothesis, what all the fucking stats mean. cant wait for it to end. forensic science's over. theres still consumer behaviour and tourism. but thats wayyy better than 213!!! i want the 28th to come soon. then itll be paryting, ih trainings, isg games, ih games. shoo exams. im going crazy from yuuuuu.

2006-11-06T22:29:00.000+08:00

hell-ish week is over. finally all projects done and assignments completed. now its just 214 and 213 test. exams are next week. and mugging has started. just 20 more days to the end of the exams. afterwhich ill be free. free to do what i want. and theres ih to look forward to. havent been going home at all for the past 2 weeks and wont be going back till exams end.

so someone stole my study venue. and im so not gonna be able to study in the room. as evidently seen here.

i wanna recall all ive written in the last post. it was all in a moment of weakness. it ust required some time of re-evaluation to realise life's fine. theres much to experience in life. and i look forward to these things ahead of me. :)

now, to get some work done.

2006-10-22T02:04:00.000+08:00

just got back from kenneths 21st party. nice seeing the class people in a way. being away from everything else that has pissed me off lately. and yet, it isnt the best place to be when i wanna get away from upsetting things. and like mr peh says, we always end up talking about a lot of stuff whenever we meet. heh, life's interesting i guess.

ive come to realise the pain will always be there. one year's passed. the pain feels the same. just that as the days go by, it has had to be buried deeper and deeper within. and yu just get used to it such that yu think yu havent been hurting all this while. and sometimes when yu justwanna say something, let him know just a teeny weeny bit of what yu feel, yu end up leaving things as they are cos yu know he'll not like it so whats the point of it all. ive missed yu and i still do. but i guess thats it. yu live with the pain yourself. its been this way for so long and it will. when yu love someone yure able to let him go for him to be happy. and his life probably is. and thats why yu just keep quiet and bear the pain for as long as itll be there.

related lifes' happening to mr peh. he said, find an aim. do it soon. get life back on track. dont screw up. i know that. if only its that easy huhh. and this doesnt even include mr pain that just resurfaced. hooray.

2006-10-14T01:04:00.000+08:00

i just want that day to come when i can have the courage, to set emotions aside and walk away from things. to not be afraid. to not cling onto things or people just because i dont wanna lose them. to be that strong on my own cos i know ive not reached that stage yet.

oh, help yourself yu weak being.

2006-10-13T03:35:00.000+08:00

every storm brings with it hope that somehow by morning everything will be made clean again. and even the most troubling stains would have disappeared like the memories of his kiss. so we wait. for the storm to pass. hoping for the best even though we know in our hearts, some stains are so indelible nothing can wash them away.

oh sigh. im a sad sad girl today.

i guess i really only blog when im sad.

sigh. sigh. sigh. i miss everything the way it was before. every every thing. every yu and every me. everybody.

and so i pray. that maybe one day. just that one fateful day to come when the stains will just wash away, leave me without a mark. and may i never remember the storm. may i never relive the storm ever again, the way it has been over and over again for the past year.

2006-10-08T01:12:00.000+08:00

so here i am. waiting so intently for my greys ep 3 to either be transferred from pohpoh or be d/led. whichever comes first. but both are extremely slow, which is irritating. cos im getting tired. bah.

so yesterdays small drinking session of leslie, hongying, sandy and me with a teeny bit of alcohol from my darling neighbour sam, turned into a rather large and interesting drinking session in my room. which managed to fit about 11 of us. even jean-michel and chris joined in and contributed port and bacardi. leslie's contribution of vodka. and all my mixers in the fridge wasnt even enough. people started drinking shots. and obviously that was when our dear hongying got drunk. first one to fall out. :) and rather interesting stories of her that shant be disclosed on this blog. hehh. :) drinking session saw us having to clean up the puke outside the room, in sinks. seeing karen slide along the stretch of corridor where water was poured. hehh. and it was nice to see the freshies introduced to such activities in hall. and i was having my fun of making the freshies drink and telling them its the order of a senior so cannot say no. hehh. :) and yes, all this fun on top of me worrying that someone would just spill some drinks on my precious carpets. which thanksfully didnt happen, although my room was left in a mess. hehh.. but it was all in the name of drinking!!! hehh.

to more of such sessions! :)

im still waitingg.. sighh. have to wake up early tmr but im not gonna rest until my greys is d/led. now for some constructive work to be done.

2006-10-03T01:00:00.000+08:00

i sprained my toe. im not sure if its the nerve or a sprain. i just know it's fucking painful up till now. its swollen and throbbing from the pain. cant even walk properly. and all cos of the stupid big fat toe. sigh sigh sigh. all from a hit of the hockey ball. i hate hockey. no more ihg training for me for a while.

cant even do my work properly cos the pain is very distracting. any remedies people?? ill be going to the clementi sinseh tmr though. i need a proper rub down of the toe.

so here i am being angsty all over again. i seriously hate the pain im feeling. everytime im angsty i think of alvyn. hehh. :)

i hate growing up and depending on myself. i think im just too spoilt. i need my mum to take care of me. if i were home, ill just rest and she'll rub oil and wrap some yellow herbal shit of hers on my toe. and my dad will drive me to the sinseh and back. spolit brat sadaf. makes me wanna just move back home. hall isnt appealing anymore. bah.

back to doing work.

2006-10-02T02:24:00.000+08:00

im trying to be nice. dont be rude.

some things are going right in life now. :) probably moodiness has slightly disappeared since its not pms anymore. the dreaded thing is here. yupp. while at changi airport doing the tourism project today, ive figured out what i want out of my life. the directions set now. i just have to work towards it and achieve my goal. ive always been stuck in between not wanting to be here, ntu and not wanting to get out into the working force. and ive found my in-between. :) i hope. if all works out right. im looking forward to it. one and a half years from now and im already excited.

life. here i come. :)

now its back to the shitty life in ntu. yayy for me.

2006-09-30T14:12:00.000+08:00

a visit back to SA yesterday felt really good. visiting teachers with troy. a common thing most teachers said. go find a new bf in uni. i said come look at the standard of guys in ntu ma'am. hahh. and most said, get over sidney. he was such a distraction to yu in jc anyways. yu can do better than that. hahh. yes ma'am. im over him. but feelings remain. cant be helped! :) miss chua asked me not to talk to him entirely. hehh. cos he aint worth it. hahha. i wish i could ma'am. mrs ram called me a bitch. hahha. even teachers recognise that side of me. hehh. which isnt bad. being a bitch is good sometimes. :) and she even said i was a bad girl. boo.

SA brought back memories la. was nice yet it sucked. had a really nice chat with troy. and how we just get attracted to the wrong kind of person. hahh. and how what we fel for a person is always so strong. and up till now, i can still remember how it all started. the exact words in the msg. the days. 26th sept. friday night. awkward study date at marine parade. 6th oct. lit paper. not studying for hist. suntec macs. and blue flower. troy was so surprised. hehh. but yes. it matters that much.but yure happy now. and thats good.

people change and thats inevitable. it's the transitions stages that we go through. some things change, some dont though. ive changes quite a bit. but the bad habits stayed.

and thanks roomie. for taking care of me last night when i was rolling in bed in pain. makin my food hot. filling up my hot water bag. finding meds for me. :)

are my posts aways depressing?? heh. maybe its cos i use this as an ave to rant and release when im down.

thanks leon for the tag. i know yure there for me and care. :) thats why i trust yu with every dirty little secret of mine. :)

off to do japan project.

2006-09-29T03:38:00.000+08:00

everytime this friend comes up to my room and is all unsettled with whats going on in her life, i start feeling unsettled too. i start thinking all over again. not just thinking but wishing sometimes. i admire her for the courage to take that step to let her feelings be known to a person who was once in her life. ill never dare. cos all ill get is ignorance. the words 'disillusional dumb fuck' still linger till this day.

how is it ever possible to forget the feeling one shared with another unless it wasnt true? i can never understand. ive gotta see more of life. sometimes i wanna be adventurous. and the next moment i just wanna be the average girl. and at other times, i wanna hole up in my room.

i blew him off today. and didnt pick up the phone calls and reply the msges after. maybe im not up to it yet? not now. or maybe its just the menses talking.

just before all this shit, life's been great for the past 2 months odd. had lotsa fun with mag,meng, zhen and chelle zouk-ing on weds. it was our way of spending time together. fri was spent at des's hse just before meng left. it was my best night spent in a long time with the rg netballers. everyone was there at some point. what i love abt them is being able to be ourselves. we all have our vices, but i know all of the are good people within. we dont judge each other. we are fucking honest with each other. just sitting by the poolside. accompanied by junk, jack daniels, smokes and great company. :) :) :) then sat was to loof for the air force party thing with mag and chelle. then zouk which was pretty fun. and meng's left. boo. come back soon babe. im missing yu already!

last night was nana's bday celebration at new york new york. food sucked. boo. :( then down to zouk. which i kinda wasnt in the mood for and i got pissed off and somehow just wanted to be alone. met sandy and the rest which provided reprive for a while. and thanks to chengs for sitting outside and speaking to me.

ill upload pics when im feeling up to it. and now im just not. going back to sav tmr. gotta wake at 8. and i have pysche myself for that. hahh. :)

nights people.

current missing list-
betty!!
levina
meng
yu
another yu

2006-09-27T15:29:00.000+08:00

friends, just dont be fucking selfish. its for a friend after all. urgh.

retail theraphy helped a bit today.

yu didnt have to apologise. cos it didnt matter. i wont deny i was hurt. ive got my pride after all. i thought yu better than that anyways, but i just wished i knew yu better to understand. never expected anything out of this though.

and stop hounding me guys. respect my decision and dont force me to do things against my own will. cos it doesnt make me happy. and is that what yu guys want? yu want me for your own use and thats it. thanks a lot.

2006-09-26T01:48:00.000+08:00

today has been no exception to the moodiness and upset-ness. just when i said not yet. just not now at least. it happened. oh wells, life goes on. didnt get much studying done. tmr its project time.

sometimes answers are not necessary, sometimes they are. and well, ive come to a point in my life i cant really be bothered with answers now.

people are really selfish. whether they are people yu hold dear or not. i was disappointed. really. i wished i would have been proven wrong today.

im really random today. my thoughts are flying everywhere.

both of yu have been disappointing. and i just dont know what to say anymore. im wthdrawing all over again. sigh.

2006-09-25T00:17:00.000+08:00

i lost the urge to blog for this short period. and ive been too busy. everything's jumping at me now. school, family, friends. i needed space to breathe. many events taking place lately. some i cant even recollect.

its the time of the month soon. and here i am feeling moody and down all over again. this aided by many other reasons. the mother's ill. and i feel bad not being able to be with her much. not being able to take away her pain. cos she means the world to me. and i cant bear to see her cry. to see her putting all her effort in climbing uo the stairs to the bedroom. to see her praying on a chair cos she cant bend. i wish my mum would recover. or at least lessen her pain.

i can never understand how peple can get so selfish that they never consider other people's feelings when making decisions. when throwing their tantrum. when only bothering about what they want and feel. its something i have to learn as well.

and yu. knowing yu has been nice. its been lovely. yu intrigue me with your thoughts, your stories. yu amaze me by how yu know how to lead your life. how to work people. your mind games. hate them, love them. your frankness and how yu still manage to get things your way no matter how frank yu may be. your confidence or over-confidence. what people say about yu. i guess eventually they may be right. well, partly. maybe this is just it. i dont know. i wish not. not yet at least.

someone asked me this. how can yu not love someone who loves yu so unconditionally? i cant answer that cos im trying hard to search for that answer too. and evoked certain emotions i dont want to stir up anymore. but it did. would yu say my love is/was unconditional? i told that friend to go ask yu. yu'd be the best person to know that answer. the question brought about questions ive so been wanting answers to but ill keep them to myself. cos we're all selfish people. we wont think about how the other person feels. we do things for ourselves. we ignore people when we just dont feel like facing things, not considering how upset the other person feels. we say mean things. we turn cold.

and evetually we become skeptical of this thing called love.
its the best and worst thing.

oh,im feeling so moody and emotional.

reccess week. work has to be done. moodiness disappear.

2006-09-09T03:28:00.000+08:00

its funny how humans function. we know what we're not supposed to do. yet, we fall further into things, only to get burnt. dont play with fire. but we still do. i couldnt say anything else to describe this.

chengs is leaving for hall 16 tmr. sigh. last night here and we cooked and ate and room visited. edwin played so many nice songs on the guitar and sang to us. thats when i felt a bit bit down. i thought of that day. stupid me.

and i heard news. sigh. cant believe people can change so much. im disappointed and saddened.

im confused. :(

2006-08-30T18:47:00.000+08:00

that friday night, when the spirit was low, all feelings that were present were negative, frustrated, upset, disappointed, pissed off. all i wanted was a shoulder to cry on, a warm,reassuring hug. someone to lean on. this doesnt in anyways show my dependence. just that sometimes i ought to have a right to feel this way.

ive got a million thoughts running around my mind all at the same time. things to worry about. my tonsillitis, the infections. and somehow i miss my mum. yes. she'd so know how to take good care of me. cos i cant even do that on my own in hall. quitting ivp as well, both netball and soccer.

managed to catch up with amanda today. finally. until now, everyone asks me to find a new bf. hahh..friends, do yu really think finding a bf is like grocery shopping?? and my friends should know how i feel when it comes to such stuff.

much unsettled issues to iron out. get myself settled down for school as well. and i do remember i have to put up a sign, 'i want my space. leave me alone.' and 'food costs money.' for reasons known to few. but yes. people, give me my space. the room's not a store room but my room!

back to house season 2 now!

2006-08-27T02:41:00.000+08:00

im back here after quite some time. having trouble typing with the newly attached acryllic nails. and im scared the nail art will spoil and crystals will drop off. been so freaking busy for the past month right from foc onwards. not much space to breathe thanks to DnD preparations. so, DnD ended last night. dont know whether i should call it a success. left me super tired but not satisfied. to the audience, it was a great show and im happy for that. just the organising part and sponsors part got me a bit worried. and rather pissed off. so much excitement and anticipation on my side for DnD. went to get a pretty dress, which burned a hole in my pocket. got everything for DnD. which was way more ex than prom. did my nails as well. on the day itself yest, i was freaking tired, throat started hurting again, no proper food as well. and so i went on and dressed up, did my smoky-eyed make up and puufy hair with glitter and all, and then itall came to nothing. running around trying to rectify mistakes clear things up, left me drained by the end of the night. enough to not want to take pics and just sit around feeling fucked up, pissed off with no mood at all. a regret to let DnD end of with such a note for me. but well, some things cant be helped. grateful for leon and yihao being there for me. =) two guys i can really count on.

so now all i wanna do is get my work back on track, thin about myself, my priorities and i really dont wanna give a fuck about too many people from now on. lead my own life. there are people ive missed in this month or so. my roomie dearest, levina whom i think has flown off to the states again, the rg netballers, sa classmates. time for some catching up as well.

ive also decided to quit ivp netball and soccer. just dont wanna push myself anymore. im losing this zest for sports i used to have previously. now all i wanna do is be a girl.

this is so not a happy post. im not happy. and im tired. so off i go. so much for updating. boo.

2006-08-13T15:20:00.000+08:00

the past 2 week's been really busy, never been this busy before. lacking sleep. hae to keep running ard. i even get tired of replying peopls sms. have yet to step foot into school. really bad start to the new sem. so hopefull this coming week will be better. fittings and photoshoot are over so there's more breathing space. time to get down to some studying and catching up.

yest was the first time in a really long time i went out. caught the fireworks which was really really pretty. =) never got a chance to watch fireworks for many many years. watched it from swissotel's 70th storey. great view. company was right. loved last night. though i was so damn tired.

pageant training's underway. love the contestants for this year. fun lot of people.

time to get back to hall now. =)

2006-07-29T12:49:00.000+08:00

so much to say yet, now that im here, staring at this page, i cant seem to pen them down. hm.im just tired from everything now. from foc prep. and all the work that has to be done. its back to the irregular hours of sleep. which kinda makes me cranky nowadays. and right now the pms doesnt help. im becoming more bitchy.

ive had to shift all my stuff out of the room for the stupid painters to come in and paint the room. waiting in sandys room. but the painters disappeared. making me wait fucking long. grr. cranky me.

im gonna quite pre rouge today. i have to remember to call luke to settle pageant stuff. settle the make up artist issue. decide on group identity. come up with gl performance. call freshies up. need to shift more stuff from home back to hall. meet the rg netballers. and i still told leon ill get the cake for zhen hao. hah.smart girl. but well, that'll be convenient if dad drives me to hall come sunday. so many things to do. all these by sunday night.

and now mr painter guy is in my room painting. and he wore his shoes in!!! okay i just dont really wanna clean anymore. im tired. urgh.

2006-07-23T00:04:00.000+08:00

okay first, i need to rant. having this love hate relationship with joey. he's my cat by the way. he's like a furball, so round and fat and quirky. but but but, no matter how we try, its impossible to toilet train him!! he shits everywhere. and right now my room and my bros room have become fave shitting places. urgh. irritating. im so scared he'll start peeing all over my stuff which is basically all over the floor. and pee is so hard to detect. esp if it were on my clothes or bags or whateverr. i feel like killing him for being such a menace. wanna throw him out of the house. couldnt he be more like saber. who is my dog by the way. like sabers so well disciplined. guess thats where the diff between dogs and cats come in. stupid darn cat. woke up from my sleep today from the smell of cat poo. what a start to the dayy. grrrr..

so ya. now. update update. been shying away from work quite a bit recently. money doesnt have that driving force anymore. i just wanna live off my parents for now. its more convenient. but i gotta start building that discipline and independence financially cos ill have to manage my own finances when i go out to work. which is soon. been covering coaching at ngee ann. which has been enjoyable for this batch of students. cos they love me too! ahahha. they're easier to talk to. and they keep asking me to come back. i wanna go back too cos the moneys good. hahha.. better get my level one coaching soon. theres also scgs coaching. i find it hard to train younger kids. cos yu kinda have to be strict with them or else they dont really listen and being strict just builds this gap between yu and the students which i dont really enjoy. trying to adopt a more lax method of coaching. but i hope they'd just respect me in return. :)

seniors camp was on the weekend before this. was pretty slack. but i was uber tired after the 2 and a half days. wonder how ill survive the real foc for 5 days being a gl!!! gosh. hahh. and i realised im the worst gl in my grp. hardly know any of those games to play during orientation and the cheers are killing me as well. bah. am trying to learn everything now. hehh.

2 consec weeks of clubbing. first was disappointing more than anything. shant say much. and the next was enjoyable. as ive always said, clubbing with the rg netballers is always fun fun fun! and then there was gladys, huishan and ying ling. not too bad clubbing with them either. but when sch starts, we'll all be busy. and meng will be flying off to uk in a month i think. boo.

finally shifted my stuff over to the single room. what a tiring process. 4 floors down and 4 floors up. some things to do with that got me a bit put off too. but oh well, its over.

oh god, this is such a boring post. im just too lazyy.

somehow this week has been very uplifting. life's looking up again. :) higher than ever. new sem starting. a new beginning to everything. confidence is back up there. and it'll just be happy happy happy from now. friends dont disappoint me!! :) im gonna be a busy busy girl soon. and its the first time im looking for ward to being so fucking busy. :)

"Superstition lies in the space between what we can control and what we can't. Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck. No one wants to pass up a chance for good luck. But does saying it 33 times really help? Is anyone actually listening? Why do we bother doing those strange things? We rely on superstitions because we're smart enough to know we don't have all the answers.. and that life works in mysterious ways. Don't diss the juju, from wherever it comes."

2006-07-06T02:18:00.003+08:00

up and down and up and down. it just goes on and on. that irritating cycle. today started off well. was looking like a good day. though it would end well. had the meeting. clarence decided to use luke for the events management and modelling sponsor. proposed the idea of chair- ing next years dnd com. bought new havianas. a pretty babydoll mango dress. went for netball match. played quite well. was thinking of sandys birthday plan. next wed's game again extremes sonique. then clubbing at zouk. came home and things still looked fine. then then then the screwed up timetable issue came up. parents being asses. rain and jingwen&loos room issue. which im quite tired of hearing esp when it doesnt have to concern me. sandy pissing me off. and yu. and then i just feel helpless. and when i think i need a friend to talk to. who do i call now? cant think of anyone. scared some may be pissed. dont wanna disturb others. they may just think im being stupid. and then most of the rest have just disappeared. dosent that just add to that loneliness yu are already feeling? okay maybe this fucked up feeling will be gone tmr. most likely it will be gone. but now i just cant seem to help but feel frustrated. fucked up. highly agitated.

hahh. my mum was telling me about 6 days of the religious calender when god will confirm listen to your prayers. i told her no use one. i prayed for some impt things but it hasnt come true yet. god hasnt answered my prayers yet. and she said thats because yu never do things his way. yu never follow the religion properly. so isnt it the same as praying on other days cos no matter what your prayers are only answered when yu follow the religion closely. and god has to answer your prayers when yure religious cos he has no reason not to when what he wants from yu is to folow the religion. unless he has a balloting system for days other than those 6 days. lucky ones get their prayers answered. okay thats just lame. but then again. my mum is how freaking religious. yet her prayers are not answered. cos all she asks for is a happy family. for my dad to have some brains(well not literally, but yu get the idea). but it hasnt come true. not one bit. and this is years of praying. i remember i asked her to pray when iwanted this particular thing in my life to be rectified so bad. it hasnt yet. so whats the point of praying? of asking for tings from god? are these prayers unreasonable? is it too much to ask from god? happiness. in that particular form yu wanted it in. im not angry at yu, god. i just wish yu'd answer my prayers.

"No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie."

2006-07-04T01:50:00.000+08:00

yesterdays conversation was somewhat relieving. it lessened the pain. sometimes maybe when yu tell yourself yu did a good job, give yourself a pat on the back, it helps. it helps yu feel good about yourself.

i know now i really will never stop loving him. but life goes on. =) so much yet to see in life. ill just look back and smile at the times i spent with him. at least i had an impact on him. it was worth it. =)

seniors camp coming up. =) cant wait to start getting busy again. =)

now i just need to be nursed by mummy dearest. being sick isnt fun when theres coaching and training tmr. boo.

"Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

2006-07-01T02:40:00.000+08:00

just the slightest thing makes me upset noww. seeing bits and pieces of it makes me sad already. im glad idont know more. eventually, its all about suffering in silence cos no one can really do anything about it. maybe everyone else but me. i can. its not that im choosing not to. try being in my shoes. feeling this way. its not fun. it isnt. i cant begin to even express how much i want this feeling to disappear and not influence my emotions and life.

faltering shall not be an option anymore. 2 years of my 20 years. its measely. so it shouldnt matter. but i lived my life in that 2 years.

but yes, no more faltering.

yu be happy. that matters. sometimes what we want for ourselves is not important.

time. will tell every story.

one day yu will see.

i dont know whether to start hating yu to make things easier. but i will never bring myself to. no matter what.

"Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

2006-06-27T01:48:00.000+08:00

something happened. i dont know what. okay maybe i do. must be it.

emotionally unstable.

pathetic.

and its my birthday.

not having expectations mean yu'll never be let down.

thanks friends for everything. sandy,chengs,grace,rain,leon zhenhao.

maybe i was in your thoughts. just maybe.

"Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally, that gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, a way of letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it's also important to remember that, amid all the crap, there are a few things worth holding on to."

2006-06-19T00:57:00.000+08:00

"In hospitals, they say you know when you’re going to die. Some doctors say it’s a look patients get in their eyes. Some say there’s a scent, a certain smell. Some say it’s some kind of sixth sense. When the great beyond is headed for you, you feel it coming. If today were your last day on Earth? How would you spend it?"

rain asked me this question one day. that day, i gave a different reply. now, i wouldnt wanna do what i said i wanted to that day. sometimes we try too hard to forget some things. but eventually, when it comes down to the wire, we just know deep down what we want.

on another note, im somehow not looking forward to my birthday this year. its just the fear of the memories coming back to me. but its always about building memories over those that hurt. been working well for the past 6 over months. mostly at least. hehh. =) well, we'll see.

2006-06-17T01:20:00.000+08:00

"As doctors, as friends, as human beings, we all try to do the best we can. But the world is full of unexpected twists and turns. Just when you’ve gotten the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts. It knocks you off your feet. If youre lucky, you end up with nothing more than a flesh wound, something a band-aid will cover. But some wounds are deeper than they first appear, and require more than just a quick fix. With some wounds, you have to rip of the band-aid, let them breathe and give them time to heal."

a bad dream last night again. getting more frequent. and disturbing. maybe for some things, what yu dont know cant hurt you. i always used to think otherwise. that i always had to know everything i could. everything i wanted to. but i guess when yu want to know something, what yu find out aint necessarily the best for yu.

and im wishing more and more for the next sem to start. got my marketing specialisation and i began planning for next sem's modules. have yet to decide on the electives to take though. and moving into the new room and foc and all. =) yes im being so forward looking eh.

hoping to meet up with the girls from hall tomorrow. after quite some time. time for some soccer now! ive been eye candy spotting eversince the world cup season started. hehh. spains the favourite team for eye candies. there's my raul, casillas, torres, david villas, alonso xabi, reyes, fabregas cesc. oh man. eye candies galore! =) those and players from portugal,mexico,italy and england. yummy. =)

2006-06-15T01:18:00.000+08:00

"I've heard that it’s possible to grow up, I've just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope."

french exam tomorrow!! im panicking now. just a few more hours. and i need to do well cos i didnt SU it!! smart shit. well well, back to work!

so much is still on the mind.

2006-06-13T02:25:00.000+08:00

"A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."

met soo many pple in just one day today. =) first up. peiying and lev. friends from wayy back in sec 1 and 2. a meeting that involved hours of trying to take the right photo. i have a million of our photos in my phone now la. tsk. then a million hours to print them properly. hehh. and that concluded our meeting. hehh. but everythings like the same. we change individually, but when we come together we converse all the same. which is nice to see.

then off to meet sandy angeline and vane. meeting for the indo trip which is postponed. and theres lots and lots to do!! sponsorship proposals and all.then off to meet the birthday boys leon and leslie. yes yes. heres a shout out to them.
HAPPY HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY LESLIE!!
and HAPPY 22nd LEON!! =)
hehh. yes.getting really old already huhh. i must get pics from kuang soon to post up. so it was off to kenny rogers for dinner. thanks les for the treat. =) and a birthday cake for them. hopefully it made them happy. yummy food. great company. thats all thats necessary.

and then met mag and chelle for a while. chatted and updated each other about our own lives. =) nice meeting them but we need more time to talk!! soon ya? =)

catching she's the man with chengs tmr. and training. dreading training. plehh. well, the week has lots in store. =)

stay happy girl.

2006-06-12T01:04:00.000+08:00

alrights. im gonna attempt to upload photos. im the biggest computer idiot on earth and i wish i knew how to make collages to add everyhting in. someone teach me soon? =) so here.

sth we did out of boredom after spring cleaning rain&grace's room, where we found colourful candles. =) SsquareRG= sandy sadaf rain grace. =) quite pretty right?and we proceeded to......

take pictures with our face there! looks pretty neat with the effect of the lighted candles.andd......

with our hands and feet! =) okayy.really silly but well, we were bored. heh.

on our way to watch champions league finals. boredom+camera with grace= taking really stupid photos. and she really forced me into many stupid photos with her; mickey mouse faced, nerds, princess. yes...

yu get the idea, right?hehh.

group shot of the night. =)

sentosa for gl outing. roomie picture. =)

met loo and jingwen there. =)

all those present at the gl outing which was a rather disappoiting turnout really.

shopping at paragon! its what we do best! =)

all 5 of us. chengs.grace.me.rain.sandy.

shisha night with yihao jingwen and loo. =) quite a long while ago before the boy went off to berkeley for his summer programme.loo, jingwen, me.

love the pic. =)

now, im just too tired to carry on adding photos. its a long tiring process ya. more from alvins house etc to come. soon! =)

had my first day of work yest. 5pm-5am. 12 hour shift on your first day. absolutely feet-hurting, back-breaking, sleep-depriving shift. what a way to start on the first day eh. body's still aching. work can be interesting and not at the same time. time will tell whether ill really enjoy it. we'll see, but for now, the money prospescts arent bleak anymore. =)

and, i miss the hall girls. everyone's missing now. busy with our own stuff. this is bad!! i wanna go out with them one day soon. :(

and and and, sidney told me he made it into ntu. im so so glad and relieved he got in somewhere. whether him coming to ntu is a good thing or not i dont know yet. but well, im glad he has made it somewhere. =)

"Mrs. Snyder explained to me that when fate comes into play, choice sometimes goes out the window. Maybe Romeo and Juliet were fated to be together, but just for a while, and then their time passed. If they could have known that beforehand, maybe it all would have been okay. I told Mrs. Snyder that when I was grown up, I'd take fate into my own hands. I wouldn't let some guy drag me down. Mrs. Snyder said that I'd be lucky if I ever had that kind of passion with someone, and if I did, we'd be together forever. Even now, I believe that for the most part, love is about choices. It's about putting down the poison and the dagger and making your own happy ending... most of the time. And sometimes, despite all your best intentions, fate wins anyway."

2006-06-09T00:26:00.000+08:00

french lessons ended today with the oral exam and going to allianze francaise for a french exposition. =) life is at its up right now. meeting up with shenana, bunny, faith and char. =) meeting them we realised our dressing was rather coordinated. hehh. purle and green and denim. =) photos will be up when i get them. thats what i always say. i have yet to upload many many photos. hehh.which i currently am already holding. hehh. anyone wanna help me?? hehh. so out with girls on tues. ate gelare waffle before going to marina square and having kenny rogers. i was so excited at the prospects of having mac and cheese for dinner. but they didnt have it! and they didnt have a million other side dishes it pissed the shit out of me. hahh. i was all snappy and rude. hehh. well, thats just me la. that aside, it was so fun laughing and cathcing up with those girls. like i told them, they're so different from my other friends cos they're all so innocent. hehh. and its good. makes everything so simple. =)

met levina on wed. shes back and still small as ever although she claims she put on 3 kg. and that really makes a big diff la. somethings just remain the same. the way we talk about things. the way she talks to peiying and i get totally put off by their very crude conversation. hehh. looking back on sec 1 and 2 days with all the people in our class and all. we've come so far from then. the people in our lives are so different now. i probably wont be able to say much to most of them. but it would be great to meet up with everyone again.

job hunting tmr.

funny how we review so many things/people in our lives when we're forced out of the comfort zone into a whole new world.

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

2006-06-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

out with sandy, hongying and rain in town yest before catching a movie and going off to chengs house house to stay over. i received a call while still sleeping yesterday afternoon. it was from rain. checking up on me. to see if im all right. :) to ask me to take care. she told me what i told her hit her yesterday. about how yu think about him holding someone else's hand and in someone else's arms. kissing that someone else. its just that feeling that sucks. well ,thanks friend for caring.

benchwarmers was a great show to watch when in that state. just laugh throughout the whole show. light hearted and just really nice. while getting dvds to watch, chengs said we cant watch anything lovey dovey. hahha. cos i'd feel sad all over again. it was nice going over for our 'panty party'. hehh. :) telling her everything thats been happening, then watching shows, sleeping like pigs and continuing our shows today. :) even in my dream it didnt leave me alone. tried so hard to change the dream but it didnt work. so silly.

yet, when he spoke to me just now, i kinad liked it but i had to stop talking after a while.

thanks to chengs ive been searching for really meaningful grey's quotes. found really nice ones. there'll be daily quotes now. or whenever i blog that it. :)

i really cant wait for levina to come back.

and yu too betty, thanks for the tags. i really had the urge to actually go over to adelaide and find yu but money doesnt fall from the sky. hehh .ya. pls come back soon k?

have decided to move back home after this week. nothing in hall anymore. no one really stays there anymore. sigh. so ill just move around from home. will try to transfer my driving to ubi. crosses fingers.

quote for the day:
"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."

2006-06-02T17:59:00.000+08:00

so many of yu are trying to help me. to get me out of this sadness. i really appreciate it. ive never wanted to feel this way or dwell on things for that matter. it just comes everytime im alone. grace says im pathetic. hah. i know that. i feel that way too. been keeping myself busy to get the thoughts away. they just end up creeping back in. the feeling just somehow comes back again. sigh. im just pathetic huh. :)

someone told me to let him know what im feeling. but will it help? what will be the point of saying all that i will say? nth really. cos its over. i know that. its drilled into my system already. i asked someone, whats the point of loving someone if yu know yure never gonna get that back in return, and she said love is selfless. yu dont love someone to expect sth back. its never selfish. which is so true. i love him. but i dont expect it back. and thats why i never want him to know.

some say i love so stupidly. maybe thats true. im still young. ill learn. =)

nyc please fund the indo trip. i need to do something meaningful. im waiting for sch to start again. or rather till foc period. i like being busy nowadays. :)

2006-05-30T23:27:00.000+08:00

home again after netball training. never wanted to come home. but i dont have the heart to go back hall. everywhere has its cons..but no pros. dont know where to go sometimes.. why couldnt god be fair. why couldnt he make us love people who would love us back so there wont be such great heart pain. near 3 days of bawling like a baby. i told sandy ive never cried so much for sooo long. im so silly. the tears are of joy and sadness at the same time.

after training, the thought of having nth to do and coming home filled me with such an empty feeling.
like my life has no purpose at this point in time. everyone's busy. and my comps screwed and i have no more shows to watch. sigh. when i got home, i sat on the sofa and felt so empty. then this thought just crossed my head- when we were together, no matter how bored i was with him being in camp and all, there was this fulfilling feeling and satisfaction with life. but now, whats there to feel fulfilled about. poof.

i just realised the negative sadaf has resurfaced again. so fatalistic. tsk. she shall disappear for good soon. im very sure once life starts picking up again, things will be fine. i know that.

love is so weird. it never was a game to me. never will be. if yu love someone let him go. and i did. sad thing is that he never came back to me. he went off into someone else's arms all safe and happy. maybe thats why im sad. like im not worthy of that love. there's always that wish that i could turn back time. change what i did was wrong. not have shot my mouth off that fateful day at ps pizza hut. maybe things happen for a reason.

peh was saying how practical guys are. when sth it over, they know its time to go on with their lives and not brood over them. but girls let emotions get in the way. but isnt life just about the emotions we feel? or should it just be about practicality all the time? i wouldnt know.

i cant even cry properly at home cos my dad would see and spout some mean things. sigh.

apart from all this sad emotions, its funny how i went to sleep crying about someone and ended up dreaming a nice dream about someone else. and maybe these other thoughts are the only redeeming factors right now. apart from the fact that sidney and me can be friends now. hehh. yup. and eventhough we can be friends, im trying to keep a safe distance cos i know if i were the other girl, i wouldnt want his ex to be close to him. and its for my own good also la.

i really really hope the indo trip can be funded. i need something to do in my life right now.

time to go spend quality time with the mother. =) i predict tears will flow.

2006-05-28T23:03:00.000+08:00

last night. well, let me put it this way, ive not been happier since months but then again, its the saddest ive been since that fateful day in november. im so happy we can be friends now. that things are fine between us. and im even talking to yu right now while tears are streaming down my face, in the midst of writing this. seeing yu move on to someone else makes it so clear to me that there's nth left between us. it always hurts when yu love someone so much and its not reciprocated anymore. and now yu know yu just have to bury that feeling deep down within yu cos its not fair to him and the other person. and i guess im happy and contented just being his friend.

when we spoke, i had the urge to cry. my mouth trembling, tears welling up. but i know yu never liked me crying. i dont want yu to think im weak. i didnt want to spoil a friendship so i held it all back at the moment yu told me about the someone else. because i know ill be happy for yu if it brings yu happiness. i guess thats all i need.

the heart pain comes when yu know how much yu love someone, how deep the love is but yu know that at the same time its the end. that your love will never be felt by the other person. but somehow i dont feel sour about it. really. in fact i still feel happy.

its like the best thing ive got to closure, and even better than expected. ive gained a friend. and i feel happy that in some way he cares i guess. even if it may be as a friend. i feel happy that things dont have to be awkward anymore. that the class can be normal in front of both of us.

i need a day or 2 to cry it all out of my system. i have a life waiting for me. it always seems like a dream when theres anything to do with him. maybe its best to think of it that way. just a dream. reality awaits tmr.

i hope yure really happy with your life and all that yu have right now. just know that yu have a friend out there who would be there anytime yu need.

-its over and done but the heartache lives on inside-

2006-05-04T06:17:00.000+08:00

615am and im still awake. waiting to drop rain's sis to sch. and buy macs breakfast. =) life's been good. been staying in hall eversince exams have ended, going out now and then, accompanying grace kuang to study while i watch my shows. all's good. life's really good. things may be missing here and there. but i really am happy. i cant demand more to justify this happiness. somehow, feeling happy with the people in my life right now, i wanna keep my past behind me and people in it. that's bad. but i guess a part of me is afraid to face the past. a part of this past is my present and if i cant face it, it'll be bad.

doing whatever we want at weird times of the day/night. waking sandy up and singing songs loudly at 5 am together. its stupid but fun. coming up with plan 1, 2.2, 2.3 etc..just for one day of going out together. tv lounge studying sessions. then the techno plaza where we pretend to be the smart asses of ntu. =) cooking. just talking. and having lots of fun together. sleeping at 7am after the sun has risen and waking up at 4 pm. giving each other wake up calls. checking up on each other. ensuring we're never lonely. thats what i love about the friends here. really. the listening ears eveready and words of comfort.

'jaffa/jaffar' however yu guys spell it. i hate it. totally. but ive grown used to it. =)

grace, rain, sandy, chengs. ill never tel yu guys this but thanks. for wonderful friendships that have helped me grow. make me feel not very lonely anymore and move on with my life happily. =)

2006-04-29T20:39:00.000+08:00

exams are over. but it doesnt feel as good as i thought it'd be. there's too much time on hands now i guess. somehow i feel contented wi th life the way it is right now. yet i know ive left so many of my friends out of it. life rotates around hall friends. thats it. yet, i know my friends are also having their own lives now. with the people around them. so if i were to make time for them would it matter? sigh. life goes on. my life's now so different. i dont wanna see any part of my life from before. i dont know if anyone would understand what im saying but well. its time to close this chapter and continue this great life. one week's timeframe. thats it.

for now its time to find work and shop!! =)

2006-04-22T00:33:00.000+08:00

its been a while. the exams are still on going. but im taking a breather for now. 3 papers down. one to go. many many things happen all the time. hehh. im just glad 3 papers are down although they've been rather disappointing. times spent studying everyday has been torturous with a few redeeming factors. :) staying in hall for such a long period without going home has actually made me enjoy staying in hall more and i dont really miss home though i thought i'd miss coming home but i dont. kinda feels weird being home. dont really know what to do here. and its rather unfamiliar. home is like a transit point now. dont know how ill survive 3 months at home after the exams.

there's that funny feeling im having now.

stop thinking this way sadaf.

2006-04-09T16:58:00.000+08:00

i hate finding out things about yu. im over it. but i just dont like it. still friends? i wish those words were a lie. a big fat lie. i feel cheated. for all that i do. for all that i nother to do. but now im not going to anymore. but ill never stop. never stop to think once more.

i hate staying at home feeling ill. cos i dont get anything done. im gonna hate going back to hall after all thats happened. i wish i didnt know anything. what yu dont know cant harm yu. esp if it doesnt involve yu. but when yu know things yu wanna help your friends. why have that bugging conscience. please spare me cos i dont need this anymore. i wish i could help but i cant. maybe i dont want to anymore. im being selfish. cos i have to be. ive done so much for my friends. its time i think about myself. i dont wanna go back to hall. but i need to get my ass down to studying.

something, actually many things put me in this stupid position and induce ridiculous thoughts and feelings that hold yu down. bug yu. bother yu. disrupt your studies. when i dont need it the most.

will i regret what i say? maybe. maybe not. just for once, let me not care. let me put everything behind me.

wish yu know who yu are. looks forward for that one moment of happiness everyday

2006-03-29T03:55:00.000+08:00

i havent blogged properly since forever. i remember saying i have photos to upload, and when i went to my blog to check, i havent uploaded them since ages ago!! but been busy..and lazy. :) it takes a looong time to upload photos ya. and the exams are around the corner. need to really pull up the socks. oh ya, and my prof 'wants to have tea with me'. hahha. not really. ive just been mia from tutorials since forever. only been going for ob and 114 cos its in the afternoon. just in time when i awake at 1. hehh. but 830 and 1030 is tooo early. but yes, i went for my first 830 lesson in 3 weeks. hahha. it was a refreshing change! :) hahh.

well, yes. ive been rather down the past few days. this period of feeling down occurs sooo often nowadays. someone tell me why. man. but now all's good. could be better. :) hahha. im dying to let everything out here but i just cant. and people who know me know how im always dying to tell everyone things that are exciting! hahha. but but but..i cant. at least not to some people and not here. so yu can ask me personally. and ill tell yu. i think. hahha. :)

within the span of the past few days, stuff has happened in hall. im quite sad people are leaving. culture's fading. but yu know what. we're gonna do sth about it next year right from FOC. :) we were all taking about it. and its so exciting. hahha. but ya, loo and jingwen leaving was like the saddest thing. esp when they said it was a final decision kinda thing. i thought i'd lose 2 great friends. and i wouldnt be able to go over to their room like 5 times a day and talk nonsense, do stupid things, complain, whine, gossip etc. sigh. pretty sad. but but but but. they said they'll stay. looloo will put her name down but will try going home everyday. and jingwen will stay and they'll move to 36 with us! :) decided o take the second room from the toilet for single room in 36 next sem. :) and yihao and shaun not moving too. but yuankai and alex are going. sigh. it'll be so fun with everyone around. but sometimes yu cant control everything and there's never an ideal situation. but we'll make the best out of what we have. :)

yu know whats funny. im so happy now i wanna talk to sidney and tell him everything. irony of it all. hahha.

well, photos will be uploaded soon! promise.. really. im looking for ward to everything after the exams and next sem. though next sem is like august. hehh. :)

tralalalala... time to watch soccer! :)

2006-03-23T03:11:00.000+08:00

is there anyone, really?

so no one really cares.

well, thats life.

where are yu when i really need yu?

2006-03-19T03:54:00.000+08:00

its been a while. :) my life's had its ups and downs this past week. loads of work. and then there's always other stuff to worry about. last fri wasnt too good. but thanks to sandy who was such a great friend. the week has gone by in a whizz. exams are nearing and im pretty much freaking out.

photos to upload of west coast park late night outing, ih dinner, grace's 21st and mag's surprise birthday party. but im too lazy right now. another day perhaps.

a girls night out turned bad. thats last fri. yu know sometimes yu just dont feel like telling some of your friend some things. not because yu dont treat them as your friends but just cos yu dont wanna spoil the time out they were having. i really wanted to stay but i didnt wanna ruin it for them. hence i didnt make a fuss about them going to eat at pepper lunch, whose food i believe ill absolutely hate, and i just left. the urge to cry was so great. it happens when yu feel like, not just one, but basically the more important people in your life let yu down. tell me. who wouldnt have felt the way i felt that night. tears just couldnt stop themselves from running right in the middle of taka, on a friday. which led me calling up sandy in the toilet and just sobbing on the phone so no one else could see this pathetic girl, crying so bad. thanks girl, for just listening to me wail, and just being there, for offering to pay for my cab all the way back and for dinner too. :)

the past week has brought me through much. not only externally but internally. the emotions ive felt, but also what ive discovered about myself and certain decisions in life. good and bad. we always have our views about everything, everyone. friends dont necessarily have the same views about another friend. will it ever become a problem? somehow i feel it will if one's patience runs out. it's something ive always been afraid of. and this coming week doesnt feel right. sigh.

do we have a right to feel disappointed in friends cos we feel they havent been there for us? that yu do so much for them and it's not reciprocated? is it all worth it? is friendship even about doing something and expecting something in return? even if its just about being there for yu? when yuve been selfless to them and they see right through it?

after all, everyone has their own lives to worry about so what's yours to them. we'll end up leading our different lives, ultimately caring for oursleves. its quite scary. i dont want my life to end up that way.

btw, not everything here is in relation to me so dont jump to conclusions or try reading between the lines. :)

this slump wont last. there's always the light at the end of the tunnel. cliche but ah well, heck.

more contact doesnt help. really.

to be continued.

2006-03-06T20:22:00.000+08:00

i really dont wanna talk to yu now. not for long. i just dont wanna have anything to do with yu. but then again i do. i know what i should do. i know i shoud just stay away cos im happy this way. but i dont wanna be cut off from your life. i guess ill do whats right.

im happy the way i am. it is a noticeable difference. someone asked me whether i was attached again. im not. but they say its a marked difference in me. i look so much happier now. i should. i should forget things. so dont come talk to me now. cos im feeling sad all over again. cos i just wanna be happy and forget everything.

your thought just kept coming back the past few days cos i needed yu around so badly. i needed someone to talk to and seek comfort in, away from everything that was bothering.

sometimes when poeple dont know the real yu, yure misunderstood. i hate being misunderstood. i hate being judged. but one can never control these factors. we gotta just live with it. and i guess i will.

a part of me really wants to get away from here. away from singapore. go somewhere foreign. somewhere new. enjoy my life and meet new people. start afresh. enjoy my life the way i see meng and betty enjoying theirs in uk and aussie.

there's so much i wanna say. so much to update about in my life. grace's birthday party. the stupid single room deconflict. good stuff. bad stuff. but i seriously dont feel like typing so much today.

my mood's spoilt.

2006-02-23T23:56:00.000+08:00

so where was i? right. charlotte's production. a11 guys, dont be offended by this, but one observation i made that day was how they behaved. is it their age? or army? im not sure but they seemed so ungentlemanly, especially when they're together. this ignorance towards the women around them. with nana and cai still waiting, they flagged a cab, got in and just left without waiting for them. no offer to wait with them till peh came or let them go off first. maybe they'll mature with time but i was sure as hell irked by their less than pleasing behaviour. the only one who bothered was alvyn who ran across the street, got into a cab and brought it to me cos i was in a rush. even the taxi driver was impressed. thanks!

sunday was spent helping rain as her supporting com at x-physique. at least i got a pretty t-shirt for that. :) designed by dear rain.

mon-night cycling.photos!! it was a fun night out cycling with the glamour queens. hahha. yes. yu saw right. glamour queens. :) watching stacie cycle so fast but not progressing as fast. and grace. hehh. but my ass muscles hurt real bad. bah. it was still fun. alrights photos!!!!

pit stop one, somewhere at cck. the glamour queens!! hahha. yuankai.rain.sandy.grace.chengs.stace.me.jingwen.looloo.

meal point 1. al-azhar at bukit timah. :)

us with meijun. at 2nd pit stop.

same few with grace pointing at my ass!!

pit stop 3!stevens road. by then we were cramping up and rubbing muscle rub. hehh.

meal point 2. at the beancurd place at geyleng. after the meal we went on to check ut the prossies along geylang. interesting. wonder whether they get paid more if they had bigger boobs.hehh..okay fleeting thought.

finally at our destination!!east coast. with alberts! :) sleepy sleepy by then.

an attempted jump! :)

alrights,now more photos from mos last night! fun fun fun. first time at mos.pretty place!

on the way to mos. sandy.me.chengs.grace!

chengs and me in the pretty toilet. love the effects of the lights!

a blur but pretty pic! :)

us with derrick ong at the pure room. really really nice place to chill. but have to open bottle to get the nice comfy pace to lounge around. lucky the seniors opened. hehh.

chengs and me on the big big coushion thingy in pure room. and the guy behind who tried to get us to dance with him and we conveniently ignored him totally. sad creature really. but yup. pretty shot!

alrights its taken me forever to get this post done thanks to the numerous pictures!finally.. back to work. love staying at the 4th floor! recess week is almost over.unproductive. thats why i hate feeling this way cos my work is so affected. urgh. good and bad. right. back to studies!

2006-02-21T15:50:00.000+08:00

have been having rather enjoyable days the past few days. :) flashback! fri was busy with chinese dance concert preparation and rehersals. not the most favourite thing to do. oh well. and i was made to wear a gown at the ticketing booth. bah. but all went well. then it was off for supper and photo-taking along boat quay till fullerton! :) photos!!!

us-me.rain.chengs.san.stace.grace :)

grace.rain.me.chengs.stace.

could never be happier with these guys. :)

roomie and me! :)

my publicity sec and her fellow assistant publicity. hehh. :)

us with leslie. the lucky guy. hehh. :) chengs took this photo unwillingly. hehh. her leslie surrounded by every other girl but herself! :)

grace and me. :) she says this is damn nice shot.

it was a great night out with those girls. :) really glad to have them around hall. back to hall at 2 am and i left immediately to meet shenana. had my dinnr at 3 and we walked to west coast. omg! i totally hate walking!! but well, it was nice sitting at west coast park and talking. hope yu feel better babe! though i admit it was rather cold at that time of the night/morning. and i was so tired i dozed off at one point in time. hehh. sorry babe!

sat saw me having a purt of the moment shopping trip with sandy! and i had only an hour before rushing off for charlottes production which i was told starts at 7 but actually started at 730. wasted money on calling a cab and eating so fast i looked like a greedy pig! poof. but ya..back to shopping. spent like 300 bucks. but im contented! then went to watch kent ridge play. charlotte, yu were great babe! :) acted and sang so well! after which i had to rush back to hall cos of xphysique briefing. :( didnt get to join the class for dinner/supper.

late to meet sarah now! better get going. to be continued. :)

2006-02-17T04:20:00.000+08:00

im beginning to feel happy since last night. yay for me. :) im finally able to reconcile so many things within me and move on happily. i just hope this feeling and decision is not a fleeting one. it must stay! :) i believe this feeling never really came easy. many factors played a part. but sometimes one cant put a finger on it and neither can i say much at this point in time. i just hope everything turns out for the best. :)

cab meeting earlier. it lasted sooo long. and being the short-attention-spanned-me, i got sooo restless. yes. got distracted. started talking a bit too much. yes. my forte. and taking pictures with jiet ling's cam. felt quite bad after a while for being so distracting. sorry peeps! well, but then again, i bet it was more tiring for those in charge, like najib and amos, so i should just try not to be so easily distracted.

im a bit tired but i feel happy so i dont feel like wasting my happy feeling time by sleeping. and im not say feeling happy for any particular reason or anything. but i wanna talk to sandy ang now. but the girl's so tired. sigh. i cant seem to control my mouth but i dont wanna tell any tom,dick or harry about it. hope she isnt tired tmr!!!

okay im quite high right now. on happiness. and i feel happy that im happy. so thats double happiness. :) ive never felt better since the 22nd of november.

time to get to bed if not ill end up talking to myself! hehh.

yu respect me and ill respect yu.

2006-02-14T19:50:00.000+08:00

so here i sit, with ob's critical thinking-half done-assignment staring right at me. i know it has to be completed soon. if i wanna have some time to myself i gotta finish it. but then again, in the next window, there's grey's anatomy calling out to me. its like an addiction. once yu start yu cant really stop until yuve finished it. sigh. and guess what, its valentines day today. urgh. and all i talk about is work and a drama series. really. my life is that sad right now. hall seems rather quiet cos most people have just disappeared for some romantic dinner or whatsoever with their loved ones. and yes, im in still in hall. dateless by choice and not by choice at the same time. out with chengs to get the last few things for leslie's present. and i eneded up talking about him sooo much. i feel so irritated with myself. urgh. and back to hall. yes, im lonely. of course that feeling will surface.

the sweetest thing that could happen was hearing someone at my door calling for me, and upon opening it, there stood leslie, singing a valentines day song for me. yes very sweet indeed. but im sure its at chengs request. hehh. and chengs gave me flowers. a beautiful sunflower. i was so touched. that i couldnt say anything much but thank you cos tears just filled my eyes. and penning this down now is also bringing tears to my eyes. im so grateful for a friend like her. esp when she knows how sad i am right now. thanks babe. :) but i just cant help it. came back in my room, continued watching grey's anatomy. ensured my door was locked and then the tears just rolled. it sucks to feel this way. i hate it. its exhausting to drill it into my system that its all over. i looked at his pictures and this myriad of emotions overcame me(other than the crying that was already in progress). i looked so fulfilled and happy then. sigh. well, its over. one moment of reminiscence.

back to reality and here i go, to continue with the damn assignment.

2006-02-11T00:20:00.000+08:00

here's some photos from the basketball finals. and today. :) im happy for yu chengs!

the basketball team with taijie, our coach. :)

taijie doing his cartwheel he did in joy of winning the game. :) hehh.

us with our matric cards after the matric card fiasco we had after the game. hehh.

chengs and me. hehh. ive found a better friend in her than i thought there was. and it feels great. ive a nice nice neighbour. hope yu'll be really happy with leslie!!

sandy and me..my roomie!!!love ya bitch.. :)

us with the boss of the hall aka miss president angeline. :) floor-mates.

pretty confused about most things going on in my life. dont understand why i cant keep my thoughts and emotions stable. its irritating. urgh. one moment i find my life great and potential in improving it in many senses, and the next minute my life feels so fucked up.

but yu were right, my world didnt crumble. life still goes on. of course it has to. its so obvious. but leading one's life is no indication that things arent meant to be. im not mourning 24-7. but this doesnt mean i can live without yu. i do have happy times with my friends but this doesnt mean that yure not missed and that my life will be way better off without yu in it.and the same goes for yu. whatever the case, all im saying is that i still treasure yu and yure in my thoughts. but ive not stopped living. thats for sure.

2006-02-10T02:43:00.000+08:00

hfxjvbxcvbbvhjcbvjubcxvujfubgfudoawjpoajewpwopoe

okay. im bored. at 3am in the morning im bored. ive shit loads of work to do, assignments and tutorials to complete but im just not in the mood. bah. ih basketball was on earlier and we won! :) by one. close close game. but well. :) though after game incidents were such a bother. no respect for those who bring up such trivial matters to gain the championship. really. if they're gonna feel sooo happy winning the championship by dq-ing halls over stupid stuff really. well, we just proved that we're the superior team. against a completely basketball player team. :)

im feeling sooooo lonely. urgh. not a day passes without that thought of him. poof.

2006-02-05T01:14:00.000+08:00

ill be there till the stars dont shine
till the heavens burst and the words dont rhyme
and i know when i die yu'll be on my mind
and ill love yu always.

while out to run some errands at parkway today, i decided to take a round in cold storage for some fruits. while walking through the aisles, ive realised how much my life has changed. grocery shopping by myself gets me in this reflective mood. i remember how he used to tell me to learn to do things on my own. and ive taken his advice. there's this certain happiness in doind things by myself. going places by myself. at the same time there's this lonely feeling. cos i only started doing this cos we arent together anymore and i dont go out in weekends much anymore. and cos there's no one to accompany me to do such things anymore. oh well, back to the main point. yes. grocery shopping has become a weekly activity cos of hall. and i really enjoy going from aisle to aisle and browsing through all that they have there, from fruits to biscuits to frozen food and at the same time check out if ben and jerry's have introduced any new flavours. hehh. yes. thats my life right now. i feel so 'housewife-ish' nowadays. i enjoy the more mundane things nowadays. some of yu guys may ne thinking, 'but, sadaf, yu club so much more now. and drink so much. and yes, get drunk so much.' but honestly, do yu really think i enjoy these things as much? i dont. i just go clubbing cos i need some place to 'let go' cos im so uptight and upset often lately. i drink cos im frustrated. i get drunk cos i feel there's nth to hold me down like before. well anyways, yes. grocery shopping. im beginning to indulge in food more. for obvious reasons. maybe thats why i love grocery shopping. the only kind of shopping i do really. just reflected on how shopping in town on thurs didnt feel the same. maybe cos im broke too. but then it wasnt as joyous as it used to be. back then i used to want to look good for yu. now i really cant give 2 shits. and when its time to face yu, i wanna look my best. and i think i do. but when i see photos from the day, i see how much more worse i look now. its so not easy at all. i still remember how it hurt initially, but i never expected it to be this hard. okay grocery shopping. im loving it. :) but its making me add the pounds too! remember to change my eating habits. thats why i look for fruits and juice and stuff that will be good for my body. no more snacks like before. :) so grocery shopping. my new love. only when i do it on my own. :)

there's so much ive been wanting to vent here, but ive just been busy and lazy. yes. i know i talk about sidney a lot. on my blog, to my friends. to each and everyone of my friends. i would tell myself at the start of the day that i wont mention him at all. but its a weakness. im just driven by that feeling to share about him. and i know it gets on peoples nerves so im gonna try really hard to keep it all to myself. im really thankful to have friends who put up with my endless talk about him. its gonna stop. i hope. someone told me i used to talk about him so much before we got together, then when we were together it was endless conversations about him and now that we've broken up, its still about him. when i think about it, it beings a smile to my face cos i know how much he means to me, but then again, my friends dont have to hear so much about it too. so it wll stop. :) maybe only once in a while yea? hehh.

its back to hall tmr. somehow this sem doesnt feel too good. ive to keep pushing myself and prove others wrong. am i really coming off as cant be bothered about my studies so much that im incompetent? i believe im as good as anyone else and im not gonna let that hurt my esteem anymore.

im just gonna listen to myself. use both the head and heart to think.

yure still the one.

2006-02-04T00:16:00.000+08:00

home once again. flashback. the the third day of cny. felt much better and decided to go for the class gathering at alvins house. was rather woried at first but i figured that i shouldnt deprive myself of seeing my friends cos of him. and anyway these gatherings would probably be the only way i could see him. glad i went. it wasnt that bad. yet, there, i still felt so much between us. that feeling i had as well as whats there between us. but well. at the same time it was still a bit sad. and i cried after leaving but its okay. time. it takes time. and no matter what yu try to do. however much yu try to move on and tell yourself its time to move on, your feelings guide yu a certain way.

well, this week there's been no heart to go for lessons but surprisingly i went for more lessons than i did last week. though thurs pissed me off. one hour of econs and biz law was cacelled so i went over to nus to visit! i felt like a tourist there. heh. 'wandering' here and there. hehh. then it was off to town with sarah. first time in god-knows-how-long. :) got the brows plucked and window shopped. and ate good food. thanks for the company babe. then again, it was a bit sad cos i havent been going to town much eversince. and i started missing him again. sighh.

and today was crazy. i had to walk up and down and up and down north spine thanks to chinese dance stuff. and spent 2 freaking hours calling up schools. i was so tired. and have yet to buy envelopes and stamps. fuckkk. hate this. urgh. looking forward to sth in 2 weeks.

but i hate it that vday is coming up. urgh.

2006-01-31T00:04:00.000+08:00

last night was fun. :) wish i could drink myself silly. and have even more fun. but i know i must look after myself. the gastric didnt allow me to drink much. but well, its fun to dance even when im not high. i'd just get high dancing. :) guys are pretty destructive. but i dont understand why we cant stop loving them. why we still see them as the one. its frustrating. well, i hope yure fine zhen. cheer up. :)

i have moved on with my life. mostly. i still think yure the one. ill still love yu. and ill be there for yu. but im happy with my life. my friends are just great. im starting to feel good about myself all over again. :)

cant wait for the hols to be over and be back in hall. :)

do i really wander around the block so much?? hahha. i though that sounded pretty funny. must ask cai about it. hehh.

this pic was from the last time we clubbed at zouk. 2 weeks maybe?? :)

nights. :)

2006-01-28T14:25:00.000+08:00

it sucks being sick. for the whole damn week. first it was the fever and major headache. then its gastric and stomach flu. been puking so much the tummy hurts so bad. not been able to do much. im just hoping to recover soon. and thanks to everyone who looked after me in hall. :) and those who helped me move my stuff to my new room when i was unwell. jingwen, jacelyn, thanks a lot! and clarence for carrying my fridge and junfeng for carrying the tv. :) and sandy for cleaning my room. im very happy in my new room. and its so cosy. :) im determined to keep it clean now that illbe in the room most of the time.

oh yes, we won ih netball. :) pretty happy. didnt play though. thanks to the cap on ivp players. bah. well, at least we won. but now lessons may not be learnt. mistakes may not be magnified. sigh. well, only time will tell.

its gonna be a long holiday. i wanna catch up on the studies but im feeling too weak to do so. sigh. please get well soon.

and now, things are bad again. and i had the worst dream ever last night. sigh.

i miss yu.

2006-01-22T00:26:00.000+08:00

2 months.

the emotions are rather eratic. sometimes, i feel so down thinking about it. and there's times when i feel optimistic. when i feel things are good the way they are right now. i know what i should do/feel. yet, its hard to keep to that path.

memories keep coming back at every instance. like last sat when the class met up. seeing the other couples and how sweet and loving they were hurt. cos it made me miss yu even more. it made me think back on the times when we used to be happy together and the pride i felt with yu being mine.

i wish yu'd see what im feeling sometimes.

well, that aside, bball girls into finals for ih. :) against hall 6. i want the gold. i want it for netball as well. but its hard to say whether we'll get it for netball. sigh. softball guys won today. first gold. :) track is on tmr. hopefully the girls will win. :)

with ivp over, and the crazy week of coaching, its time to get the fat ass down to studying. biz law is fun. very fun. the rest, im not too sure about. heh. so from the coming week onwards.

back to hall tmr. somehow, a part of me doesnt like coming back home. it brings about this loneliness. ive not much to say to my mum anymore. its quite sad. and there's this empty feeling. staying in hall takes me from everything familiar.

-why cant i be as lucky as those other people are, i guess i must be wisshing on someone else's star-

2006-01-19T01:48:00.000+08:00

ivp finals was hed today. and we won. :) yup. though i didnt play and was slightly sad about it. but im grateful for this season. for what ive learned in the past few games.

and congrats to the cheerleaders of hall7!! :) yu guys deserve to win. and im so happy for sandy especially. girl, everything paid off. :) yu reap the rewards of all the effort yuve put in. im so happy for yu babe. a pity i couldnt be there to see it.

now there's other things to be concerned about. ih basketball semis tmr against hall3. and there's netball finals which has a lot to worry about.

and then there's yu.

i have to do sth about it..

its an early day tmr. have to wake up at 6. urgh. time to sleep!

2006-01-18T01:36:00.000+08:00

it's funny. im feeling so down right now cos of yu. yet, the only person whom i want by my side right now, lifting me out of this hole is yu. and i know it'll never happen. why can't i tell myself its all not worth it? why do i keep thinking yu're worth every bit of my time and love? why cant i see it the way others do? why i can't i see yu not bothering about me and tell myself thats enough to make me move on? i try. i really do.

i woke up from a really disturbing dream. about yu. my dream was a reflection of reality. i wanted yu back in my life so badly but yu kept pushing me away. kept telling me its never gonna be possible. and i know how true that was. i woke up in the morning and cried. cos it was so real. it was real. its the truth. i didnt have a good sleep at all. i kept dozing off at every opportunity i had. just cos of the dream. :(

ive decided. not to go for anymore class gatherings in a long time. cos i know it'll make me upset looking at how he would talk to the rest of the girls and avoid me. we shared so much and its come to nothing now. sigh. and it would not make it awkward for everyone else. and they dont have to keep asking me how im doing.ill spare yu guys the agony. i just gotta be away from things that will hurt me. im protecting myself.

it hurts all over again.

time, thats what i need. loads of it.

2006-01-17T01:16:00.000+08:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
-
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

i heard this song 3 times on the radio today and the words just hit me. its so what i would wanna say to yu. its so what im feeling right now. its just so meaningful at this stage. and the song/lyrics in itself hold such a deep meaning thats rather sad. :(

sigh.

but i told myself not to feel this way. i dont wanna give myself a long time to get over this but i cant help it when the feeling resurfaces. sigh. sometimes i wish i could understand everything then maybe it wont be this hard. yu never get what yu want all the time. yu never get closure all the time.

im really hollow.

2006-01-15T03:29:00.000+08:00

he looked so contented and happy with life without me. sigh. and of course it hurts. hurts pretty bad. and i thought things would be fine. its so different now. all my efforts seem futile. down the drain in just one night. questions that i buried with no answers have resurfaced all over again. im so hopeless. and they he makes me feel around him. the difference in a friend and one thats not. the importance in one's life. the awkward feeling. the avoiding. its so irritating. if only we could just be normal. there doesnt have to be anything more, but nothing less either. i never knew how yu felt. never will either eh. sigh. seeing him opens up every wound ive taken a long time to conceal. and it breaks the heart all over again.

pain.

there are other issues as well. so much for leading my life my way.

2006-01-10T16:56:00.000+08:00

new year eve photos are up now! steamboat and drinking back in hall.

mojo trini me. 2 blackies and one white maiden in between. :)

rain and me. :) drinking time!!they made wonderful drinks with malibu and pineapple and orange juice sprite and lemon. :)

rain and me again. :) when we just got back from canvassing at woodlands.

all the girls before midnight. hongying mojo jeitling jac trini qiyan rain lirong and me.

with rain and sandy. :) wonderful block 40 stayers. :)

enough of pics for now. well, the videos are far more interesting but shall stay private. hehh. yes. time to get down to doing some work. :)

2006-01-09T21:43:00.000+08:00

must i really go think stuff that may not even exist? i dont understand why i give myself this extra sadness when i dont need it right now. be happy sadaf and dont complicate things.

so its been raining. and the first ivp match was cancelled. how irritating.cos it was cancelled when we were on our way there and the rain had already stopped. sigh. and i missed 107 cos of that. urgh. im not being allowed to stick to my plan!! yes.

the stay over at des's house with the rgs netballers was fun. but we were missing meng and chelle. just chilling, cooking up instant food and watching movies. :) thanks for the advice babes. i know yu guys care for me and want me to be happy. i know yu want me to forget sidney and move on cos he's not worth it. and yu guys know im already trying. and ive made progress. :) and i understand what yu're driving at mag. yure right. but it takes time. we'll see how it goes yar. for now ill make the most out of being in ntu and maintaining the wonderful friendships i have. :)

gonna go for the sports sec meeting to raise our point for netball finals now. crossing my fingers. lets pray everything goes well.

2006-01-08T22:53:00.000+08:00

alrights. a poto-filled entry (for once). cos i just got the photos from everyone. :)

the netballers at the airport. sending des off on her trip to japan.zhen,me,peiying,meng,belle,mag. i look so tired after a day of ih trainings and isg.

now with des here! we're missing chelle and yasmin! if not it'll be all 9 of us there. and yes, im glad yu enjoyed your trip des!

with meng. im missing yu babe. miss the times spent with yu. even clubbing with yu, des and zhen. the best clubbing mates ever. :) enjoy yourself in uk. we're waiting for yu to get back!! :) so those were pics from the day we sent desiree off to japan. im so amazed at her ability to travel alone. sooo brave. ill never be able to do that. ever. glad she's back safe. :)

here's pics from boxing day..if im not wrong. hehh. :) with the hall 7 girls.

with the hall 7 girls in town. at the fair outside ngee ann city. god. i look so freaking black. :( sunblock didnt work the whole hols. hoping the blackness will fade soon.

outside tangs. they had pretty lights. hongying, cheng boon, grace, sandy, me, rain, francine. :)

with grace. this photo is evidence of my body being an oreo in itself. compare the face to the little tummy shown and then the legs. like how gross is that. :( please get fairer.

next, gl bbq on 30th dec.

a random photo of the female gls. :) throughout the whole bbq whenever a photo was to be taken, i would remind them to have the flash on, for fear of myself blending into the dark background. :( yes. yes. im so dark.

with cheng ngee. :)

the ih netballers of the group. qiyan,me,fran,rain.,hongying.

the block 40 girls. :) sandy rain fran chengboon chengngee me grace always having fun with this bunch plus hong ying.

the softballers of the group! :) cheng rain sandy me fran cheng grace derrickong hongying qiyan

alright. the post seems to be getting too long. new years eve pics will be up soon. i took so long to get these uploaded. and more of the stay over at des's house etc when i have more energy. :)

ivp's starting tmr and first match is against smu. hope the team plays well. :)

im feeling happy. yet i feel i did sth stupid just now. urgh.

nights.

2006-01-01T22:46:00.000+08:00

so the new year has come! looking forward to this new year. im gonna leave everything behind me in the year that has passed and be happy. :) new years eve was spent canvassing for inner reflexion then steamboating and drinkning in hall. had fun. lotsa fun. but still nursing the hangover from yest. cant remember much. but yes, in hong ying's words, im gonna be laughed at. :( silly me.

well, the past week has been good and bad. ih games this week were not so good. hockey was lost to hall 5 2-1 on penalty flicks. i made mine count but then again. we still lost. sigh. volleyball lost to hall 2. sigh. and softball was the saddest. lost to hall 6. sigh sigh sigh. it was such a winnable game. and i made silly mistakes too. which makes it even sadder. and after this year, hongying and li rong wont be around. sighh. its been fun playing with the team this year. :) we shall just work harder for bball and netball ya?

uni starts in a day. somehow looking forward to it. :) yes yes. :) well, im gonna watch tv now. back home finally. have a good year everyone! :) and be happy!!!

2005-12-25T13:37:00.000+08:00

and all i really want for christmas is yu. :)

2005-12-24T15:36:00.000+08:00

so one whole freaking week has passed and its christmas now. finally back at home ill mon. sigh. so damn boring. alright. update on the week. netbll camp at the start of the week. horrible horrible horrible. im feeling like shit about ivp trainings now. well, sometimes yu win some yu lose some. the legs wont move fast enough, the hands dont come up fast, the body aint able to jump high enough. sigh. it feels like crap. but the minds not strong and the body's weak. well, apart from that, netball quarters was played on wed. won hall 12. 30 something to 6 i think. not a good game but most of us were drained from the camp. then thurs was the 2nd game of volleyball. lost that one to hall10. not well played at all. though i didnt play that match. understandable. :) glad i went for hockey training that day. got into hockey and played our 2 matches yesterday. lost to 14 on penalty shots. sucked man. i missed mine and felt like shit. :( cos we were obviously the better team. sigh. but we won hall 9, 2-0!! :) happy happy. cos i scored one of the goals. i was estatic cos ive never played hockey before. :) and bball was today. won hall11 97-6. :) things are looking up. though im getting nervous now. cos the games are gonna get tougher. semis for netball against hall 6 on thurs. have to play really well. and bball semis against hall 3. quite scared. and hockey quarters are on tues!!! against hall 11. and softball as well. gosh. busy busy week.

well, its christmas eve and this year its spent at home alone. sigh. its different this year. the past 2 years was spent with that person who meant the most. that special someone. but this year it isnt the same anymore. theres a slight tinge of sadness in that. and christmas doesnt feel all that warm and fuzzy and happy anymore, but im not totally unhappy. im not gonna wallow and be upset. cos ive come to realise a lot in the past 2 days and im happy about that. finally one month after it all happened im gonna move on now. :) yes i am. and feel happy for myself and him. im sure many of yu are gonna be very surprised by what ive said and feel happy for me. :) everything was special then and will always be. but life goes on. :) time to concentrate on my studies and getting my honours.

yet, now there's still a lobely feeling. what with the chritmas season and seeing everyone spend it with their loves ones.

hope yure happy now. merry christmas.

well, merry christmas sadaf. have a good day on your own.

2005-12-18T00:56:00.000+08:00

it was a night out in town again tonight. :) with the hall people this time- sandy,rain,hongying,fran,chengboon,grace and amos came along. had a fun time. the good hing aboutbeing with them is that we're always laughing about things. and never getting too serious. it felt good. going around taking pictures with all the christmas lightings. at that point of time it was fine. now i sense his absence all over again. i wish i could do these stuff with him. sighh.. let go sadaf. let go.

camp is on mon. im not prepared. im quite scared. i wanna really work hard to be in the team. sighh. well,time to go sleep now. really quite tired. which is good. and i want the pics from today!!!!

nights world!

2005-12-17T02:14:00.000+08:00

today was the slackest day since damn damn long but im so so tired. must be the drinking. pleh. last night was spent at lie rongs room drinking. sth different really. but nice. slept at 6 got up at 2 plus. and off i went to town to meet meng. :) it was nice spending time with her. and honestly there is a difference confiding in her. she listens. lets me say whatever i want to. doesnt impose her views on me. thanks babe. :) the band at indochine is damn good. hats down to them. but why they play sad sad songs?? :( couldnt get him off the mind at all. hence the smoking and drinking. funny how walking down the road in town, we saw this artist posing still- yu know the one at the underpass at shaw, yup.. and he had this cardboard with this- 'yu are completely loved and loveable as yu are' :) how apt. what encouragement. momentarily though. i gotta keep reminding myself.

i wonder who he's bringing. sigh. i wonder whether he's really happy on his own.i wonder so many things. urgh. stop thinking this way sadaf!!!

theres welfare duty tmr..better sleep soon. nights.

2005-12-15T22:28:00.000+08:00

i dont get why i feel this way from time to time. there's this void tat im trying to fill myself. why dont i feel that happy in the end? everyday, im so busy with trainings and matches that it makes me feel that im fine. that im moving on. but when im free enough to think. to sit down and have some time to myself, i see that void. and i long for him. everyday i wanna msg him, talk to him, but i control myself. i know i shouldnt. sigh. am i moving on? im just leading my life, but am i really happy? on the surface everyone sees me as happy. i joke around, play around. its the only way i can keep from thinking even more and letting people see my misery. but deep down, the most fulfilling, happiest moments are really gone.

everyday i pray i dont have too much free time on hand. so that it prevents me from thinking of anything. everyday i pray that im dead tired. urgh. i hate myself for feeling this way. i should move on and lead my own life in a satisfied manner. ive realised how life can be so complicated and tough when emotions come into play.

one thing i can take away from this is that at least we shared a part of lives together.

baby i love yu and ill never let yu go
but if i have to boy i think that yu should know
all the love we made can never be erased
and i promise yu that yu will never be replaced

update on ih- volleyball was yest. won hall 11. :) didnt play much at all but i dont mind. its such a new game to me!! and softball was today. i just remember my hands trembling really really badly when i was up there batting. heh. quite a feeling. new new game as well. gotta improve on my throwing though. but we won hall 10 13-1. and i caught a ball. :) not damn fantastic la but it was first time k? hehh. :)

time to go have a bath.

yure still on the mind. but im controlling the urge.

2005-12-13T13:59:00.000+08:00

emotional weekend indeed. how could it not be? seeing him, pms-ing, hoping..... sigh. sat night saw me pissed drunk at holland v's eski bar. shots after shots cos i just couldnt get rid of that feeling. what came after was just so so so sad. how could those words come out and mean nothing the day after? why the hope? why the spark of happiness for just a moment? sigh.

then sunday was at east coast trying to forget it all. trying to come to term with it all over again. trying to move away from square one where i was brought back to that morning. and i obviously fell sick from drinking too much. the throat felt really sore. and the joints ached. the head spinned. the nose ran. its better now cos my dear mummy came over last night with porridge and medicine to take care of me in hall. how nice. and she cleaned my room too. :) yayy.

so yest i was so sick i couldnt go for netball ihg training. sorry peeps. softball drained me in the evening as well. had a bball match against hall 5. won 80-0. :) nd netball today was won 60-0. :) hopefully we'll be able to win again this year. :) the only thing keeping me away from everything else- ihg. sigh. but this time around the mind didnt stop thinking. :( one day things will get better.

'what did that mean?'
'nothing..it was just to comfort yu...yu should have seen yourself.'

sigh.

2005-12-10T15:34:00.000+08:00

first game of ih netball is over. won hall 14 forty something to 2 i think. not bad but could have been better. hall 2 is really strong. better start training hard. cant bear to even start next week. mon theres ih bball match, netball training, sofball training, hockey training and volleyball training. by the time im done ill be dead meat on mon itself. tues theres ivp netball. urgh. and i need energy for ivp trainings. pleh. todays friendly against hwa chong juts proved how suck i am. urgh.

meeting a11 later. a part of me doesnt wanna go. sighh. reasons retty obvious. a part of me wants to meet him but a part doesnt. i dont think im ready. ill cry. been feeling that shitty feeling again lately. sighh. why cant things just feel right.

2005-12-08T22:12:00.000+08:00

its getting more and more tiring!!!!!!!ihg's started. isg is going on as well. played first game of ihg against hall 9 i think for basketball. 54-4. not bad. only could help in defence really. i suck at attacking so i must train hard. netball ihg is tmr. against hall 14. looking forward to it. and i played isg futsal. really really fun! hehh. here's so many things on nowadays. really cant keep up if im gonna go for everything. sacrifices have to be made. trainings are important and cant be compromised either. then theres isg games. missed frisbee today. wanted to play but i was too tired. volleyball and softball's starting next week. gonna be interesting. completely new games. heh. :)

met the netballers on tuesday. was nice. though serious lack of sleep before the bball game. great to meet them. sit and laugh about the crazy times we've had back in rg. best years of my life though highly blackmail material i must add. hehh. im really impressed by des. able to go off to japan on her own!!!wish i could do things like that. everyone's going away and having fun. and im here, in hall training away. in a way i mind but in a way i dont. cos im having my fair share of fun though not in the desired way. :)

when im busy things go smoothly. but when nights falls and its time to sleep, stuff start pouring into the mind. memories flow back. and it makes me sad. sighh. life goes on.

2005-12-05T01:53:00.000+08:00

im feeling really upset today. dont ask me why cos i dont know myself. ive been tired. really tired. no sleep for 24hrs. but that doesnt keep my mind from wandering to things it shouldnt.
life moves on right? but am i happy? dont think so. im just leading life. trying to be happy but.....maybe it takes time.

funny how when it ends, yure kinda cut off from the other persons life totally. no matter whether yu wanna be a part of the persons life. doesnt work. sigh. and how other people know about him more and are included in his life makes me sad and slightly angry. urgh. im tired but.......

sigh.

2005-12-03T21:30:00.000+08:00

its been a tiring tiring week. ihg trainings and games itself, and isg are burning my holidays!! so much for looking forward to the hols and meeting everyone. but this will really keep me occupied and take my mind off things. unfortunately this only lasts until fri. sat and sun used to be spent with him. now there isnt those things to do.i could go out with friends. but everyone's getting busy with ihg stuff. and i get too tired to leave the hous anyway. the muscles are aching like crazy. havent been exercising in a long long long while. and now there's training like twice to three times a day. and from the coming week, there's isg netball,soccer and frisbee as well.and and and ihg is starting. woah. really no life. wanna work but no time to work also.

going to work for the standard chartered marathon later.have to be at padang at 330am!!!damn. dont know how ill last throughout the day tmr.

ive no time to meet my friends nowadays. :( met sarah at 11pm at night on tues. eating at pre rouge was soo expensive. :( then on wed, had to make a decision between full house and meeting shena. chose the latter cos i hadnt seen that girl in eons. had a nice time at boat quay talking and taking pics. :) nana, send me those pics. and yes i only met her at one plus in the morning. and got back at 5am. what a life eh. so anyone who wants to meet me, please be free at night!! hehh. and yes, met peter at holland v yest. dinner was good at essential brew. and i love lychee martini! hehh..yup.. chilling at halland v is nice. crowds good, place's nice. :)

its still tough and im still trying. moving on. and thanks to those who've been there, really. even those im not close to and have lent a listening ear. :) its appreciated. even being in tnu away from everything that reminds me of him, sometimes when hearing the firing next to the sch, makes me think of him. everytime im at nie for neball trainings especially. :(

i still miss yu.
time to go eat dinner now..

2005-11-25T02:38:00.000+08:00

its all gonna remain as memories. painful memories really. maybe one day ill look back and smile at it. and tell myself how much ive learned from this.

it was good while it lasted.

im really grateful for friends who have been there. really. its helped lessen the pain a teeny weny bit. cos yu guys should know its just different. him and friends. i just cant compare. thanks for the comforting msges.

minli- thanks for that tag. really. it helps to know friends i havent been in contact with are still around, ready to be there for me when needed.

mag- thanks for the tag. i love yu too. and thanks for loving me.

i should feel lucky, ive so many people around me to help me through this.
but i feel sad yure going through this alone. yure having to pull trough this pain alone. :( really.

2005-11-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

im torn. im shattered.i really really miss him so bad. why did i mess things up? why did god give us, women, pms? life's been strange without him. there's a void. i just long to hear his voice. to see him. yu only realise the importance of a person when he's out of your life. nowadays i dont even feel like talking to anyone. going out. i feel like a baby. i just want him back. im being stubborn. but i cant help it.

he's been that constant in my life. i just want it all back. nothing seems as bad as life can get now. i know i can change it around. i know that it may be true that there's somethings beter out there. but right now, i dont want better. i really dont. can anyone really understand how i feel?

i have so many more experiences to share with yu. so many more memories to create. so many moments to enjoy. the video i was gonna make to pass to yu on 17 december. with the song, ' god bless the broken road'. i can just delete all those images ive stored for all this. its sad. the plans ive had. all washed down the drain.everything's being snatched away.

i guess its a case of right person, wrong time.

hey yu, take this pain away.

ill always be right here waiting.

2005-11-23T16:10:00.000+08:00

22nd november. a painful day eh. i just need some time to forget about him. i need lots of time. to cry it all out. my hearts broken into a million pieces. its gonna be hard to pick up these pieces and move on. ive lost a purpose of doing everything i did. ill have to find that new purpose.

everything i do i do it for yu. now everywhere i go it pains my heart cos all im reminded of is yu. 2 years. its not a short time. i cant just move on with my life like that. all that ive given to this r/s. all that ive hoped for in this r/s. i know yu still love me. i know that aint the reason. i know yu well eough to know that at least.

im hurting to think that ive brought this upon myself. it hurts so much more. when i saw that msg, i just broke down. im sorry looloo that yu had to see me like that. im sorry yu had to accompany me and see me cry like so much. im sorry i spoiled your shopping trip.

the night before, on monday, i had a very bad feeling something was wrong. i cried myself to sleep. and for the 1st time in forever, i prayed to god. not to break up this r/s of ours. not to take yu away from me. and just a day later, this had to happen. i shouldnt harp on this eh. i should move on. everyone tells me that. but is it that easy for me? i try shutting him out since yesterday. but for how long? it only lasts a while. and then when i think about him even for that few seconds, tears cant help but flow. to think that i wont be able to see him anymore. i wont be able to care for him. i wont be able to lighten his load for him. i wont be able to be a part of his life. i wont be able to get that hug or that smile. everything has to change.

if only things wont change.ive told yu i dont want better. yuve made me happy all this while and i know i'd have stayed happy. ill always be here i guess. ill always love yu. im just hoping this is all a bad dream ill wake up from soon. please let it be a bad dream.

look into my eyes, yu will see
what yu mean to me,
search your heart,search your soul,
when yu find me there yu would search no more,
dont tell me its not worth trying for,
yu cant tell me its not worth dying for,
yu know its true,
everything i do,i do it for yu.

look into my heart,yu will find,
there's nothing there to hide,
take me as i am,take my life,
i would give it all,i would sacrifice,
dont tell me its not worth fighting for,
i cant help it theres nothing i want more,
yu know its true everything i do,
i do it for yu.

there's no love,like your love,
and no other, could give me more love,
there's no where, unless yure there,
all the time, all the way,

dont tell me its not worth trying for,
i cant help it there's mothing i want more,
i would fight for yu, i'd lie for yu,
walk the wire for yu, ya, i'd die for yu,
yu know its true, everything i do,
i do it for yu.

:(

2005-11-20T18:23:00.000+08:00

went out yest. town doesnt appeal anymore. im becoming a hermit. i dont enjoy company. always have that urge to go out but never do really want to. i dont know whats really wrong. maybe its just whats going on. im quite tired of pretending to be happy. i wish time would just go back to the days in sa. thats what i miss the most. the close proximity to everyone in my life back then. i only have one regret.which shant be disclosed. im just feeling lost. very lost.

becoming a hermit yet,i dont find peace at home. i just wanna run away from everything right now. call me a coward. i dont care. sometimes yu cant change somethings. things dont go your way everytime.

i want someone to confide in but i dont want to hear peoples advice at the same time. i dont really know what i want eh.

i have nth to do at all since the exams are over. i need to find work!! and im gonna go read read read. haha. somehting new. and take saber to the beach. and for daily walks. saber's my dog btw. :)

i miss yu. but maybe i should let go.

2005-11-18T01:40:00.000+08:00

hi. im back.
exams have come an gone. screwed up most. wont do well. but i cant do anything now. im to blame.

this period of time is almost a copy of last year and i get freaked. i dont want it to go to that stage. sometimes im optimistic sometimes i cant help but fear.i feel stupid.

learnt a whole lot the past 2 weeks. but im still not sure what i want from myself and life. yest at zouk brought out a lot of questions about what i want. who i really wanna be. ive come to conclude there's a lot of sides to me. im me in a lot of different ways. its like a few personalities in one person. i show one as when i feel like it/situation permits. which sounds really stupid. but im beginning to think thats true.

well lets just call one side of me 'a' and the other 'b'. i really wanna be 'a' but im always made to be 'b' cos of the pple around me. they would never understand me being 'a'. well some may say i should just act the way i am. and should let what others think about me. well, i would do that if i just had that little group of friends of mine. i wouldnt give a fuck about eveyone else. but i dont see the same pple in uni. ppof. so thats a jist of my problems. and it would actually be fine if people would accept the 'a' but i know people wont. and now im really lost. its like im losing my identity. i dont know which path i should take.

so with the exams over i should be going out and enjoying my time but im not..whyy? cos there's no one to go out with. how sad. and thats what i get for being in ntu. cos i dont know many people who would do the same things i do here.and i wanna do so many things!!but no one to do with. im beginning to sound pathetic. gosh. can the nus people hurry and finish their exams??
:(

but sometimes some things just dont make yu feel like doing anything.

did imention zouk was fun yest. nice cathcing up with sarah at the wine bar. and meeting a gazzilion people over there though there were some unsightly creatures around too. yuck.

and now im starving. and there's no food. save me please.

2005-11-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

so i shouldnt bother. leave things alone. right tj?

its been marketing marketing marketing the whole freaking week. i sure hope all this effort pays off. its marketing for god's sake!! better do well. somehow im just looking forward to the end of exams.

finally met sidney. :) yes, im beaming. hehh.
happy days are here again. :) i hope. hehh.

2 more weeks before the dreaded exams end and i get to play play play!! :)

2005-10-30T01:30:00.000+08:00

yu're the sunshine of my day. yu brighten up my life.
i hope.

today was oddly nice. coming home for once felt right. never had so nice a stay at home. the laughter just filled the dining room and the car. good day. just hoping this positivity spreads to every aspect of my life. :) and betty just called. nice talking to her. :) thanks for all the advice babe. -no expectations. hehh. and hope yu make the right decision about coming back on the 27th. :)

just a few more hours and my single-for 3 weeks-stint will end. hehh. but im happy.